Sunday, November 29, 2009

Wrecking Ball

I am still on holiday...and I feel like a wrecking no matter what I do or say, I am somehow toppling over, smashing through parts of my life. So, it's been a lovely holiday and also a minefield of small personal explosions. Maybe you can't really see what's what unless you blow things apart a bit? Somehow, that is still not very comforting- not to me, nor ( I can imagine) for those in my path.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Is it too early?

To put out my Christmas List?
Cabin. Woods. Lil Wayne.

Fantasy Snacks

Today, I joined the throngs of Americans at the grocery store. Walking down the frozen food aisle, an old love caught my eye....Stouffer's French Bread Pizza. I love love loved this weird pizza-ish food as a kid, as a teenager, and, occasionally, as a janky adult. Some of you may understand the love I have for this frozen treat.

It took restraint to not pick up a box. But, I stuck to the list I had been given by my dad and stepmom and forged ahead. This did, however, get me to thinking about all those foods I have secretly loved over the years, most of which were denied me as a child. They were the foods I looked forward to having access to at friends' houses, houses that were not under the all natural- low fat- fresh and always good for you- regime that my mother implemented in our home. I longed for Top Ramen, Ding Dongs, Coke, King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls (theeee best)....pretty much a whole list of crap filled with corn syrup and preservatives. Once in a blue moon, I would be allowed to purchase one of these items at the was always a blessed event!

I also started thinking about some of my least favorite food inventions that were popular amongst friends when I was a kid. Remember Goober?

I am a die-hard PB&J fan- but this stuff is gross. I remember being so bummed when that's what was pulled out at a friend's house, when sandwich making time rolled around. I think they still make it. I will confess, however to loving those Crustables- frozen white bread pockets (with no crusts naturlich!) with PB&J inside. I have been known to eat one at the airport. Chef Boyardee products- I never understood...never liked any of them. I had a friend all through elementary school, Suzanne, and her mom had the best janky food options. She used to serve Steak Ums.....which to my shock are still on the market!!

These were often served at her house, poolside, with a glass of Crystal Light. They were really pretty disgusting, but the concept appealed to us in some way. Ahhhh, memories. What foods turned you on as a kid?

For your viewing pleasure.....

(starring Ralphie- you'll shoot your eye out!)

("double stuff action" and "double middle muncher" sound duuurtttttyyyy)

Back to regularly scheduled programming......

Ask Erin!- JS and "Anonymously Frustrated"

OMG, this week's edition of Ask Erin! actually contains a legitimate question! The other "question" (or should I say set of questions) is clearly a dig, but whatevs, I'm game.

JS writes:


my question is why do you do this blog? is it just to hear yourself talk? do you think that people care? are you really helping anyone? is this your higher purpose?

Dear JS,

- Why do I do this blog? Well, I've got to say that it's a nice release, from any other writing I may be doing, be it a project or school work. Mostly, it is fun.
- Do I do it just to hear myself talk? Ummm, this is actually called writing, not talking. So, I am not technically hearing anything. I rarely go back and re-read what I have written, once it's posted.
- Do I think that people care? That is sort of irrelevant to me, but yes JS, I do think that some people care. Some people may care to hate and some people may care to enjoy.
- Am I really helping anyone? Well, obvs. Even for you, I have illustrated the difference between talking/writing and hearing/reading (see question #2).
- Is this my higher purpose? I should hope not.

Clearly you care enough to write this email and await answers.....hope that I have satisfied you JS.

....and now for a real question.

Erin, I have a girlfriend who is awesome. But i'm thinking of leaving her. We have fun together, she's super sweet, I can totally be myself- but the sex is mehhhh. I keep thinking about an ex girlfriend. she was a total bitch, but the sex was mind blowing. I can't stop fanasizing about that kind of sex. I don't want to fuck up a good thing, but I also don't know how long I can do this relationship without mind numbing sex. What do I do?
- Anonymously Frustrated

Dear Anonymously Frustrated,

Dude, I feel for you. Honestly, I think that sex is extremely important for a relationship to work. In fact, If the sex is bad, how can the rest stay afloat. Sex is a connection point for a couple and it's my personal belief that it is also a barometer for the relationship as a whole. That being said, there can be great sex with a total asshole...but that is another scenario all together. I don't know how long you've been together, but if it's "mehhhh," then it's probably not going to get much better over time. Maybe this relationship is better suited to a friendship than a romance. Now, I am not suggesting that you leave this kind lady for a bitch....but why sell yourself short. You can have it all. How much greater would it be to have both the friendship part and the amazing sex. Let her go. Then, she can find a better match and so can you! Life is too short to deny yourself happiness and satisfaction in all areas of life.

Don't forget to email me- for the next Ask Erin!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sweet Sixteen

Sooooooo, last Friday was my birthday. Now that I am well into my seemed only fitting that I have a Sweet Sixteen party. I highly suggest that you revisit this type of party as an adult. It's pretty pretty fun. My friends basically did it all (special thanks to Melinda, Bonnie and Eleanor). I had a cake made out of Twinkies and Ding Dongs-

and little tea sandwiches- PB&J and cucumber/cream cheese, naturally.

The real highlight of my night was Twister. The game went on for what felt like an eternity- it came down to me and the gorgeous Krissie G. We twisted and squatted and stretched and bent and reached and held our positions. Twister is a lot of work! When was the last time you played? Maybe you should go grab a Twister and play it this holiday weekend. You might just (gasp) have fun! In the end, I lost! But, damn it was fun. There are lots of incriminating photos of me and my ass on various iPhones out there (This is a hazard when playing Twister at a party in a dress- thankfully, I was wearing tights!), but I shall not put them here. The only thing missing from my night was Lil Wayne. He did not arrived wrapped in a bow. Oh well, there's always Christmas!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I have a secret passion...

for Martha Stewart. I know she can be a bitch. I know she can make us all feel like underachievers. I know she is wayyyyy too Connecticut. But, I love her. I was reminded of this once again this morning, by a video posted on dlisted. Watch, love, learn.

While we are on the subject of her awesomeness- have you had the pleasure of watching whatever, Martha!? Martha's daughter and a friend watch old segments of Martha's various shows and make fun of her. It's pretty funny. I love a lady who can laugh at herself, or at least, allow others to do so.

(Can I please have a dinner party with Martha, Conan and Lil Wayne? K, thanksssssss)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dream Life

Lately, I've been having lots of intense, very real feeling, dreams, often featuring some animal or another. I have dreamt recently of wolves, horses, owls, rats, a mutant goldfish and a very pushy green snake. I believe that animals are messengers, ergo perhaps I should start paying more attention to these dreams! So, I've been doing some (very light google-based) research on animal symbology. You may recall that this is not the first time I have looked for answers here. The answers are pretty elusive. Apparently, animals can symbolize many different things in dreams, depending on how they behave and how you felt in their presence. I am far too tired and sick right now (Boo stupid birthday cold!) to really try to decipher it all. If any one out there is a dream expert and wants to help, I would greatly appreciate it. It has turned into such a menagerie in my subconscious, that I think I've gotta wade through this and figure it all out. I mean, these animals could just be trying to give me the winning lottery numbers for all I know!

Friday, November 20, 2009

A day that will live in infamy.....

Yup, my stupid birthday. I'm another year older, and probably not much wiser. All I really wanna do is watch reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210. Oh well, what are you gonna do? Here are some of the other janks with whom I share a birthday:

Robert F. Kennedy, Edwin Hubble, Joseph Biden, Otto von Habsburg, Emilio Pucci, Duane Allman, Robert Altman, Bo Derek, "Sister" Corita Kent, Alistair Cooke, Mike D, Estelle Parsons, Richard Dawson, Joel McHale, and Dick Smothers.

Let the light shine in...

I am mere minutes from my birthday.
The past hour may have seen a few tears.
I really hope that I am wiser.
I still feel 13 inside.
I can't please all of the people, all of the time.
I can't do this post without slipping in a Lil Wayne pic.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sea of Teeth

I have been spending a lot of time at the dentist lately. Now, had I actually properly attended to my incisors, and cuspids and bi-cuspids, then perhaps I could have spread the torture out, more humanely over the years. I haven't neglected them entirely, but I have not given them the respect they, apparently, demand. Teeth have been on my mind and I have a few thoughts:

1. Do you think that dentists and/or dental hygienists become so grossed out after looking at so many janky teeth all day, that they cannot fathom the thought of kissing someone, of actually sticking their tongue into someone else's potentially plaque-infested mouth and feeling around in there? Knowing what one would know as a dentist or hygienist, having access to dental equipment, and driven by the fear of transferring bacteria from one mouth to the other, do you suppose they take their dates in for a quick once-over, a cleaning in the office, before they go any further? I am neither a dentist nor a hygienist, but I am seriously considering making this a prerequisite for all future potential suitors. After viewing the inside of my mouth, with a little camera.....I can't really go back.

2. All of the above being said....I love some fucked up teeth....on anyone else but me. A gap, a fang, a chip- BRING IT!

3. When I am really stressed out, I have dreams of losing my teeth or a tooth. Does this happen to anyone else?

4. Dentistry is soooooo expensive! Damn, can we please find a way to remedy this???

5. I like the imagery of teeth used in art, song, books etc.

6. Remember that movie that came out, called Teeth, that was about a girl who had evil teeth in her vagina? I did not see it, but if you have let me know.

Alright, enough about teeth. Enjoy some good music. (and yes, I found a way to slip in a pic of Lil Wayne's teeth)