Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry....
The voice woke me up again. There it was clear, concise. Aiming itself directly in my eardrum, it said, “Erin.” I sat straight up. Unclear of the time, my eyes adjusted to the murky light in the room. I answered, “Yes?” There was no reply. There was no one there. I didn’t know what time it was. I didn’t know what day it was. I only knew that the voice had called to me, asked for me, beckoned me to answer, to sit straight up, to come back to consciousness.
Was it a warning? Was it some sort of message? Who was it, behind that voice? The voice is always male. The voice is always adult. But, the voice changes still, in subtle ways. Sometimes it has an accent. Sometimes it sounds scared. Sometimes it sounds angry. Sometimes it sounds like it’s pleading and sometimes it sounds as if it its booming with authority.
“Erin,” that’s all he ever says. My name, wrapped in layers of meaning, of messages, of hopes and dreams, of anxieties and desires. Is he afraid I have forgotten who I am? Is he really a he? Maybe it’s a woman, who has somehow disguised her voice. Maybe it’s a child. It haunts me. The voice echos in my mind, pervades my thoughts. At some point in the day, the memory will fade for me and I won’t really think of it again, until the next time, the next time I am awoken by its calling.
Every time it happens, I ask myself if I am supposed to remember something. Have I forgotten something important? Is it me reminding myself to wish a Happy Birthday, to hand in an assignment, to get up for work or to make it to an appointment? Is it something more important? Have I lost myself? Am I suspended in some area of space, not defined by time? Is it calling me back here, to my body, to my “world,” to the people and places that have defined me? Does it matter? I know who I am, don’t I? I believe in my life, in this place in time, don’t I?
The only sure thing about the voice is that it forces me awake. It prods me to begin my day, no matter what time it calls out. “It’s 4:30 am Erin, wake up, seize the day, do all the things you have dreamed of doing, be all the things you know you can be.” Maybe I am grateful for the voice, the voice that propels me to live, here in this place and time, to remind me of who I am and what I desire. Thank you strange voice. Thank you.