Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Brief Piss-Story

I believe that sometimes, certain people are only there in my life as a means to meeting someone else. Haven’t we all had those strange short-lived friendships that yielded not much good, other than meeting another friend through that person?

Back in the day, early 90s, high school.....I met one of my best friends, who is still one of my best friends, through a real pisser. When I say pisser, I am not speaking figuratively. This pisser, let’s call her Kathy, she had a bladder control problem, that was not only awkward and smelly, but that she REFUSED to acknowledge!

Anyhow, Kathy and I went to school together. We shared some similar interests in music and death rock clubs (I was death rock....never goth.) and got to know each other over the course of a couple of months. She told me a lot about her friend, we’ll call her Lisa. The funny thing was, she did not always talk so highly about Lisa. She painted Lisa out to be kind of a bitch and I remember wondering why she hung out with her so much. Kathy and I started to hang out from time to time and at some point we started going to clubs together. On on of these outings, I finally met Lisa. She didn’t seem like a bitch, but I will admit I had my guard up.

The first time I went to Kathy’s place, a layered and unpleasant odor hit me like a slap in the face. I am hyper-sensitive to smells and I had to work hard on controlling my gag reflex. This very specific scent was a combination of urine, baby powder and cigarettes....if it was a hot day, the mustiness of the air conditioning in her apartment added another note. The worst part was, once you spent more than 30 seconds in that apartment, your clothes would reek of that smell!!! After leaving, I would have to go home, shower, wash my hair, and throw my clothes immediately into the wash. It was not clear at first where that urine element of the smell came from.

One night, Lisa, Kathy and I were supposed to all go out. Kathy ended up having to stay home. This was back in the day of Malathion sprayings in LA. Does anyone remember those? Her mom wouldn’t let her leave the house on Malathion nights. So, Lisa and I went without her. We had a blast. That night forged a friendship that is still as strong today. At some point that night, we opened up about our pre-conceived notions about each other, based on what Kathy had said to each of us. We also discussed the mystery smell and bonded over its terror.

It would soon become clear to both of us what the root of the smell problem was. Kathy pissed herself, a lot, everywhere. She pissed on Lisa’s bed. She pissed in my car. It seemed like every time she sat anywhere, she would get up and leave a stinky puddle behind. It was awful. We actually even witnessed a full-blown piss once. After a night at a club, we were crossing a street on our way back to the car. Suddenly, Kathy collapsed down into a full squat and grabbed her ankle, crying out “My ankle, my ankle!” The thing was there was a visible pee pee puddle around her. One of us yelled at her, “Kathy, you didn’t hurt your ankle, you pissed. That’s pee! Look, it’s even trickling down the street!!” She fumbled her words, saying something about it being oil or something. Lisa and I could not contain ourselves any longer. We cackled our way back to the car, but kathy remained silent and indignant.

In the beginning we had tried to broach the subject gingerly. I mean, this is clearly a medical condition? But, she would stare at you blankly, and it never felt right to push the subject. I never could understand why she didn't just wear a Depends diaper. Okay, not that sexy, but surely better than leaving a golden shower of stank everywhere you went! And what about her mother, shouldn't her mother have been guiding her a little better? If you had a kid who was pissing herself, wouldn’t you at least try to minimize her embarrassment?

Along with this pee pee puzzle, Kathy was also, what we would come to learn, a pathological liar. We began adding up all the lies, piecing things together. Finally, one day we confronted her, with another friend- emphatically pointing out how we had caught her in her lies and knew what she had been saying about us behind our backs. It was a completely anti-climactic event. She shrugged and said something along the lines of “Oh. Well, sorry,” then turned and walked away. We never spoke to her again. Seriously, it was the least satisfying confrontation ever!! Oh well, I gained one of the best friends ever out of knowing Kathy. I wonder is she is still out there, pissing as she goes.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Erin!!!! Only WE know what we suffered! You summarized it beautifully: "We ... discussed the mystery smell and bonded over its terror." Yes, we did!

Thank God for "Kathy" ;-) I'm so grateful to have had you as a friend for nearly two decades now!

Love you!!!!
(P.s. 'Hope "Kathy" didn't pass the pissing-gene onto her kids!)

erin said...

Hahahaha! I thought you would appreciate this one! Love you too!

Psyched and Such said...

I guess if you're constantly pissing yourself the only choices are mental twistitude or shut in.
Hmmm, can't decide. Poor Kathy.

bonnie said...

fucking hysterical. i laughed so hard, i peed a little.