The delightful, talented, and hilarious Ms. Hallie Fryd of Psyched on the Prairie delivered this cramazing top ten list to me. She's a total blog crush of mine and you are about to see why!
Top 10 2010 calendars I would buy if I weren’t embarrassed to have people see them in my house and ask me a whole bunch of questions about why I want to look at these pictures every month – Hallie Fryd
10. Commodities Calendar:
It’s topical because these are the jerks that are keeping you from getting a raise or being able to leave your job, and get a better job that pays more money, which would allow you to buy more clothes and go out to dinner every night. (Just me?) The cover art relaxes me though, because it lets me know that hunky men are being proactive about getting us back on the right course. Thank you hunky monster fighting men!
9. Farmer’s Almanac:
Since starting my Little House on the Prairie blog I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of bursting out with farm facts when I’m drunk. Like, ‘More pumpkin pie? Sure! Hey, did you know that the best time to plant pumpkins is in the pre dawn hours during a new moon in May?’ Not attractive.
8. Mormon Muffins:
I think it’s really weird how both Mormons and Evangelical Christians are always going on about how hot their wives are. I get it; you’re only supposed to have sex with one person your entire life and you have to convince yourself you scored. GOOD FOR YOU. On the other hand, I’m totally obsessed with Mormons and I want to buy their sacred underwear. I also love how they’re so super secretive about everything. I had to create a profile to even LOOK at this calendar.
7. Nice Jewish Guys Calendar:
Of course we all want to bone musky firemen who can fix our cars and spend their weekends hand-making oak furniture. Duh. But admit it; there's a soft spot in your crotch for nice Jewish boys. Maybe he’s not the greatest looking guy in the universe, but he’ll help you finish the NYT crossword puzzle, agree to a fluffy lap dog and he thinks giving you an orgasm is a mitzvah. My fantasy life is rich, there’s room for everyone.
6. Calendario Romano
Then there’s the shameful, dirty part of you, that wants to defile 20 year old Italian priests, and that part is just sick, but what can you do? Learn Italian? Hang out at the Vatican gift shop? Role play with your nice Jewish boyfriend?
I especially like April; he seems very conflicted about his faith.
5. Ontario’s Finest Meat:
Most vegetarians, if they’ll admit it, are weirdly obsessed with meat. Maybe it’s like the Italian priest thing…you can’t have it, so you just want to put your mouth all over it. Anyway, yes, I’m kind of obsessed with meat and I want to put my mouth all over it, but sadly I’m one of those pussies who feels too bad for the mommy cows to eat them.
Ontario's Finest Meat Calender
4. Pocket Pigs:
On the upside, I can enjoy 12 months of adorable pocket pigs guilt free!!
3. High Times:
If you’re self medicating doesn’t that make it medicine? Think about it.
2. Women in Waders:
Weirdly, this is the one calendar I was actually contemplating getting for 2010. While I do consider myself a total feminist boner killer and objectifying women blah, blah, etcetera - when I saw this calendar at a friend’s house I was entranced. Quick! Name something less sexy than big old rubber fly fishing waders. I know you can, sicko, but I think you know what I’m getting at. Plus, I love that it’s just assumed that anything straight guys are into can automatically be made more awesome by the addition of women in bikinis.
1. Naked Clowns:
What kind of mind fuck is this? What would you think if you went to someone’s house and saw this hanging next to the refrigerator with ‘brunch with Mom’ and ‘2:30 dentist’ written on it? Would you stop being friends with them? Obviously you would demand an explanation but what could they say that would make this okay?
Think about it, though. It’s probably a desperate cry for help, so try not to judge your friend too harshly. Just make them some tea, sit them down on the couch and ask them what you can do to help.
An awesome footnote to this list is that Hallie did indeed get one of these here calendars for Christmas and she emailed me a picture....
Dreams do come true!