Saturday, August 13, 2011
I've listened to Nicki Minaj's Save Me several times the past couple days and it was truly resonating with me. It had me thinking about how much I have had to un-learn in the past 10 years.
As those of you who know me, or those of you have read this blog regularly, may know, I spent my first 25 years looking to disconnect. This proved to be fairly self-destructive.
Maybe I was looking for someone or something to save me, and when it stopped working, that silvery wash of giving up would begin to work its way through me. I discovered that I gave up in all sorts of ways, sometimes imperceptibly. I gave up on people, relationships, career paths, love, myself, and in some instances, life itself.
Becoming a mother forced most of that out of me, and I am forever grateful for that miracle.
But, sometimes, I find that traces of that urge remain. Not in any concrete or truly destructive way, but rather, I sense drops of it, and I feel myself pulling away from whatever it is that stirs uncertainty. Truthfully, it's sort of painful, both to feel the need to disconnect, and also, to stop myself from doing so.
Un-learning. That's the journey right now. And how fortunate am I to have the luxury to do so? Extremely fortunate. (Admittedly, it doesn't always feel like good fortune to the selfish child inside.)