Thursday, November 21, 2013

Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

Sometimes when I'm walking along, I start to feel myself gliding, inside, unattached, and slowly bouncing around in my body. I'm carried and I float. Do you know what I mean? 

When this happens, I always hear this, in my head, 

and I drift and it feels pretty good and pretty strange. And I wonder if it happens to you, too. Or maybe I'm crazy. Anything is possible. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Personality: The Wrestler?

Much like Estelle Parsons, I was born today. For fun, I like to look up astrology/numerology "facts" about myself, every year, on my birthday. (I know you're dying to have this information.) 

My favorites:

Struggle is a major theme for people born on November 20. This can express itself in a struggle for recognition in the outside world or an inner conflict where the impulsive and impatient aspects of their personality wrestle for dominance with the more self-controlled and disciplined urges.

People born on this day have a rash and impulsive side and this can make them accident and injury prone.

Once they understand that emotions have important messages to deliver, their destiny is to blaze a pioneering trail through life for others to follow.


November 20 people make the best friends and the worst enemies. 

Accurate summary? Or more like this? Alright, gotta run. I'm gonna be busy trail blazing. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Basic Conversation

It's no secret that I think you should read more. Joseph Brodsky thought so, too. While teaching poetry, he gave his class a list of books that he said "every person should have read in order to have a basic conversation." (you can read more about it here)

While I have not read every book on his list(I have never read Don Quixote!! I think I should.), I appreciate the sentiment. Reading changes you, shapes you, makes you think.

Having a conversation with someone, who actually knows who Joseph Brodsky is, is a lot more satisfying than a conversation with the guy/gal/ladyboy who says, "Yeah, I don't do books." (A guy said that to me, a guy that was hoping to have sex with me. I guess he thought the all out rejection of what I'm passionate about would woo me. Fail.)

And I have friends, you know who you are, that really don't read and somehow we still manage to be friends, because other aspects of your personality shine bright. But yes, I am secretly judging you.

Reading is sexy. As a writer, how can I possibly find you sexy/interesting/reliable if you don't read? 

I know, you don't have time/the attention span. Bullshit. I have no time and I am always reading at least 3 books. (I like to switch it up.)

So, I will say it again, you should read more. And then we can talk about it and have a basic conversation. Deal? 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A new DSM code?

A few days ago, I heard from an old friend, an old boyfriend, well, actually my first boyfriend. He emailed to check in, which he has been known to do every few years. 

It was all light and friendly and then he says this- "I think you're personality is like halfway between Eazy-E and Sylvia Plath and maybe that's what's been wrong with you all these years." (I'll put aside the discussion that a 40-something year old man just used "like" that way in a written sentence.)

Now, I am well aware of my shortcomings, as I am sure you are, too (of mine that is, because I'm a narcissist, remember- you only live to judge me). But, what kind of an f-u is that to drop on someone you haven't seen in a decade and haven't spoken to in a few years?!

Don't get me wrong, I love Eazy-E and Sylvia P. as much as the next misanthrope, but I don't know if I long to be compared to their personalities! (I am unapologetic about my use/misuse/overuse of punctuation in this post, by the way!!!)

Then, I thought about it a little bit. And I wondered if maybe he was right. 

Am I stuck between

"Cause I'm the E, I don't slang or bang
I just smoke motherfuckers like it ain't no thang
And all you bitches, you know I'm talkin to you
"We want to fuck you Eazy!" I want to fuck you too"


"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." 

????? (there goes that punctuation abuse again)

I think you can figure out who said what. 

As for the email, I have yet to reply, because I have not been clever enough to come up with a good one. 

*[For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about- the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is what psychs use to diagnose personality/mood/mental/behavioral  disorders.] 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Oh hey, did you want to ask me something?

Since I resurrected Ask Erin! a couple of weeks ago, I've received some interesting questions, which made me think that I really should start answering questions again, if only to prove you right- that I am indeed a numbskull. 

So, I am asking you to ask some more. You can do so quite anonymously through the contact form on your right. It's true, you can ask me a question, send me love letters, send me hate mail, or just ask for naked photos (as if)....all anonymously, just ask (yes, that is really the email address they entered) who wrote to tell me how much I suck. 

I may even ask some of my "colleagues" to chime in, so you won't totally ruin your life following my advice. 

Go it. You know you want to.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Like a Happened Balloon

Maybe it's Monday, maybe it's November, maybe it't the shape of things, maybe it's nothing at all. I am struggling to complete tasks this morning and 3 things swirl in my head...

that Toulouse-Lautrec painting, the one that always makes me stop,

that Autolux song that brings back many many moments,

and that Anne Sexton poem, the one that ends like this....

Let go. Let go.
Oh special person,
possible leaves,
this typewriter likes you on the way to them,
but wants to break crystal glasses
in celebration,
for you,
when the dark crust is thrown off
and you float all around
like a happened balloon. 

And you float all around like a happened balloon. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

Tea and Oranges, That Come All the Way From China

You're going about your day and then you hear about someone else and their journey has ended. And it makes you think about your own odyssey, because as dramatic as that word sounds, it is an odyssey. And all that thinking makes you want to escape and yet you're too clever for that, but you try anyway. You look for it in words, in music, in people, in images. You might feel guilty for wanting to escape because you associate it with all the ways you used to destroy things. Finally, you give in and let yourself escape, because it's okay. And the work can wait and the odyssey will still be there tomorrow or in an hour. 

And this is where I want to escape to...

(Side note: Even Leonard Cohen knows the plague of the "writer's contract.")

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Good times come to me now

So, I woke up thinking about this song. I mean.....

Even though this song is from 1983, it was played a lot in the early 90s, in clubs, where I may or may not have worn questionable outfits (See: "skimpy funeral clothes"). What do you want from me? I was a teenager. 

Also, I went down a k-hole of videos, after finding "Shiny Shiny,"  and would like to imprint a couple of them on your brain now......

Marc Almond was so feisty. 

(the glossy kiss pit?)

PS. A special shout out to the lovely person/s hate-mailing me and posting such thoughtful comments. Love you too!!! xoxo 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

She acts just like a nurse, with all the other guys

So, I just heard that Failure are reuniting! Well, at least for one show, on February 13th, at the El Rey in Los Angeles. (I predict I will be in LA the second week of February.)

You may remember them?!?!

I am VERY EXCITED by this news. I love this band (extremely talented  musicians and awesome dudes) and was fortunate to see them play, despite the fact that Fantastic Planet was basically the soundtrack that accompanied me right into my first rehab and it was hard to leave the house. But, that's another story.

You guys! 


and!!!! (my personal theme song circa 1996-1997)

I am very happy about this development. Can you tell??

Do you really need an app for that?

Have you heard of Spreadsheets? It's an app. That monitors how good you are in bed. What? According to their website-

Spreadsheets is a mobile app that monitors your performance in bed to provide statistical and historical feedback. Find out how many thrusts per minute you’re averaging, how long you go for, and exactly how loud it gets. Keep a record of your encounters, date, time, and performance.

No, they don't actually record your "sessions," nor does your data get stored anywhere. 

At first I thought, Dude, if you need an app for that, you're doing it wrong. 

Then I thought, Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I....

But what does having all of this information really get you? So, you know that you average 4 minutes, that your "Max TPM" (maximum thrusts per minute)is 100, that you haven't had sex in 6 days.... Now what? 

The app is not going to teach you how to kiss without clanging teeth, or the nuances or oral sex, or how to pay attention to your partner to make sure they are actually having an orgasm. 

Also, does a higher Max TPM indicate better sex? Um, jackrabbit anyone? No, thank you. 

So, in the end, I returned to thinking, Dude, if you need an app for that, you're doing it wrong. Also, this app seems geared towards guys who aren't getting laid and bored housewives. 

Have any of you tried this? If you have or you will, please let me know how that worked out for you. xo

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Dead Rats

If you know me, you know how much I loath rodents, particularly the street rat variety. You cannot avoid them living in New York City, so I do my best to squint and pretend I don't see them. When I'm successful, they look like off-leash chihuahuas and I pretend that they are. When I'm not, I'm sure one is following me home. 

This morning, walking the dog, I came across 2 dead rats in the park, both petrified, on their sides, next to each other. It was if 2 lovers had been struck by Mr. Freeze and tipped over, locked in the night before, perfect examples of skilled taxidermy. 

It was probably just rat poison, but I like my fantasy better.

As much as I hate rats, I stood there for a few minutes, transfixed by how they looked. And for a moment, I felt sorry they were gone. Then I resumed feeling grossed out and went home humming this....

It's been stuck in my head for days. (sometimes my taste is questionable)

PS. (Kudos to Rick Ross for using therefore in a rap song.)

Monday, November 4, 2013

Ask Erin! (I guess it's back, if only to answer this one question.)

So, I used to answer questions on the blog. And, I was good at keeping up with those Ask Erin! installments (feel free to peruse for amusement/disdain for me), for awhile, and then the questions started to pile up/I got a little lazy and distracted/I am just a little janky. 

Then, last week, sandwiched in between 2 "I hate you but I still read your dumb blog anyway" emails, I received a question! 

I checked my old account- and reviewed my old unanswered questions. I thought, Erin, you should answer these, too. They've been sitting there for over 2 years

Then I thought, Erin, there's no point in answering these because whoever had these problems has undoubtedly moved on to a whole new set of problems and will not care what you think about some issue they had in 2011.

But, I digress. Here you have it, the first Ask Erin! of this year, or the year before that. 

"Erin, do you think it's ok to sleep with someone on the first date if you want it to turn into a relationship?"

Dear Anonymous/Ambiguous/Gender neutral pronoun user,

Here's the bottom line- if someone, be they male or female, is in to you and open to a relationship, then sleeping with them on the first date can't really screw anything up. Ok, mom, or anyone who could potentially get mad about my sex life, stop reading this now. 

I am pretty sure I've gone against every dating rule for ladies. My entire life. Which could explain some poor choices. 

Regardless, every relationship I've been in began with sex, before there was a relationship (sometimes, before there was a date). Now, that does not mean I have been a big old slut (also, it's so lame to call someone a slut just because they enjoy sex, but that's another topic), it just means that I've (usually) been sure that I like someone when I slept with them, even if we hadn't technically gone out on a date yet. 

Also, if the person you just slept with is gonna judge you and put you in some ho box for doing the same thing they just did then they either have 

a. serious Catholic guilt/shame Madonna/whore issues that you aren't going to want to deal with 6 months down the road

b. really shitty double standards


c. they wouldn't have wanted a relationship anyway, even if you had waited until the 3rd date. 

So, if sleeping with someone too soon ruins everything, then you've probably done yourself a favor. However, rather than worrying about what they're thinking/feeling and getting yourself obsessed with some twisted relationship version of Risk, why don't you just make sure you really like who they are before you get naked. 

Unless you're just horny. In that case, carry on. Use a condom! 

As you can see, the level of advice I'm giving is fairly sub-standard. However, I am willing to keep on answering these questions with my opinions, expertise, and wisdom- harvested from years of making serious mistakes and living to tell the tale. You reap what you sow, bitch, you reap what you sow. 

Should you wish to see me fumble through answering one of your very own questions- about life, love, sex, drugs, panda bears, etc.- use the contact form on the right or email me-

If you ask, I promise to answer. And, of course, your anonymity is golden.