Friday, January 31, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa! : The Fun Continues.... (Probably NSFW)




Hello, we're back, to lead you blindly towards better lives. Or something. 




1.

I've been thinking of cheating on myself. I know it's wrong but I just can't help myself. I just don't pay as much attention to myself as I used to. It's getting boring and I think maybe it's time to step out of my stale personal relationship and get something from somewhere else. Is this a good idea? If I do cheat should I just lie to myself rather than admitting the truth? Do you think my left hand will know what my right hand is doing?

Lisa:  Erin, is this one of your friends fucking with us?

Erin: No, this is one of my narcissist friends. 

Lisa:  First off, I notice that you said "myself" about 200 times in your question, so I totally could get why you'd want to cheat on yourself: You're bored with your very own adorable narcissistic personality. Secondly, and totally off topic, you seem like you are perhaps one of those weirdo-split-personality-Geminis. The WORST (Apologies to Bob Dylan and Stevie Nicks.).

Erin: Also, you use your left hand? Leftie? (Just trying to narrow down my friends.)

Lisa:  The right hand will know, but maybe one hand could slap you across your own face. Erin, what you got here? Anyway, cheating is wrong and a big deal, but let's face it, everyone does it or does it eventually. 

Erin: Way to bring it down, Lisa. Bottom line, it's totally okay to cheat on yourself. And sometimes, a slap feels good. 



2. 

My girlfriend just told me about this guy named Terry that she's been texting. I can't get any information about this guy out of her. Her excuse for it is that I don't bring her around my friends. We've been dating for 4 1/2 years now and when we first started dating she told me she didn't want to. I did take her to my best friends wedding and she's met all my closest friends. I asked her a few simple questions about Terry like how long have ya'll known each other and why won't you tell me anything about him. She goes berserk with anger when I ask. She kicked me out one night and said she wanted to hang out with him alone. I just found out that he visits her in the morning before he goes to work and I get out of bed. She just told me that she can't spend time with me sunday because she's going to dinner with him late and won't give up the details. At first it was just that she was going out to dinner late. I asked her what was up and she said it's just dinner. I than asked if it was someone else then she said Terry. So far I know that they couldn't have slept together due to her roommate being there. I am horrified to think that after dinner she will go back to his place. Our sex life is becoming stagnant maybe 2 times a week. Needless to say not as good for her as it once was. Don't get me wrong she gets off just mainly from me going down on her. With us not being intimate as frequently I don't last as long. Discussed it with her and no change. Now I'm building up with anxiety over Terry. Her birthday was last week and Terry has money so he bought her the same stuff as me ironicly just better quality. She swears he's just a friend but I've heard that in 2 other relationships and caught one. She also acts loving and we hold hands and she caresses my hand and arm while watching tv. She tells me she loves me but not as much as she used to. I try to be romantic and rub her feet most days I see here and have candlit sensual massages when ever I can get her alone. The biggest differance is our senses of humor are only partialy in sync. Her biggest pet peave against me I've noticed is that I am a large man and both our apartments are small so I'm in the way a lot. I know I can be jealous but in this case am I letting my past influence me or do ya'll agree that she's probably cheating?

Erin: Terry? Who the hell is named Terry? 

Lisa:  If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. So, if I were you, I'd duck the fuck out of this relationship. Your girl is cheating on you, with Terry. 

Erin: I'm going to go with my gut here. Terry is not a man. Terry is a woman. You are a beard. A self-proclaimed large beard. She only gets off when you go down on her. My money is on her closing her eyes while you do so, and imagining Terry, so very. Dude, get out. You have wasted 4 1/2 years with someone who's obviously not that into you. There are plenty of ladies who would love to come home to foot rubs and candlelit sensual massages. (Also, people, in general, please use spellcheck when sending us messages.) Thanks! 

Lisa:  I agree with what Erin says. Two-times a week for sex is lame, and it's clear she's not appreciating you. My theory is that: if you have to wrap yourself into a pretzel to be with someone, it just ain't worth it. Get out. 




3. 


I'm a 29 year old female and I've never had good sex, I've had one guy able to make me cum but it was only one time he tried again and wasn't able to. I have sex for the first time at 18 and its been like this ever since. I've lied and pretended that I came because I was just too embarressed and scared to tell the truth (what guy wants to hear they can't get their girl off?). I've tried tell the guys I'm with what i want and most of the time they don't even listen to me or they try what i want for a little bit but then go back to what they know. I do have a kinky side but I'm really afraid to let that come out because I mean I can't even get the hang of normal sex. I'm so frusterated and depressed about the whole thing it makes the whole idea of sex a very scary thing. Help please!

Lisa: GIRLFRIEND, do yourself a favor and invest in a Lelo vibrator. Get to know yourself with this, which will eventually become your best friend. Trust me. 

Erin: Yes, Lisa is right, you need to be able to get yourself off first. Then, you will actually know what hits you in the right spot, literally. Sadly, according to half of our questions, a lot of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives and/or have never had an orgasm. This advice applies to all of you. Get yourself off and then tell your partner/s what you like. There's no shame in telling someone how to please you. Trust me, they will be grateful. If they're not, you shouldn't be letting them touch you. 

Lisa: I just want to add, I was concerned about this very issue with myself, until I was 19 and had an amazing orgasm with my boyfriend, albeit on ecstasy. Oops! I don't think you need to resort to drugs to have an orgasm, but I do think you need to invest $100 in a good vibrator and watch some porn with yourself. Please write back and let us know how this goes for you. 




As you wait with bated breath for next week's installment, keep the questions coming (Discover spellcheck, I beg of you.). Use the Ask Erin! box on the right. We will answer all questions, eventually! xoxo






Wednesday, January 29, 2014

La Grippe Parisienne



Do you have those places, those connections to places, connections that engulf you like some flu? 

I do. 

I just got back from a brief trip to Paris. And, I am always struck by this hold that city has on me. I lived there once. Many years ago. And it changed me. And it always does. Every time. 

The first time I went there by accident. I took a night train from Amsterdam, and I remember quite clearly coming up into the city, the way it looked at dawn, at the tail end of April, exactly how I felt, and the trance it put me in. 

The Parisian flu, an involuntary memory. 

I went to the Musee D'Orsay over the weekend and stared for a long time at a portrait of Proust by Jacques-Emile Blanche. I thought about my own involuntary memory and I thought about Proust's and I thought about his madeleine and I thought about mine. And if you don't understand what I mean, then I'm sorry. 


Paris makes me feel more than any other place I've been, for better or for worse. It's almost too much to bear. 

Leaving always feels uncomfortable, disconcerting. My consolation is that I like my life here, back in New York City, my second favorite city in the world, and thankfully a city that feels less flu-like. 

Friday, January 24, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: Stumbling Through The Ecstasy of Your Lives, or something! (probably NSFW)


We're back. I am floored by the questions we've been getting. You people have a lot of problems. But lucky for you, we are just here to help. On to the questions...



1.

Who should text who?
Him and I always have very good conversations and he keeps his word and follows through on things. I am the one that is always initiating the texting though but he always keeps the conversations going and seems legitimately excited to be talking to me...what's your input?


Lisa: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. i personally am not a fan of initiating convos via text to guys, but i also know that each situation is different. 

Erin: I am far more concerned with your grammar than your question.  

Lisa: if you ever get really bored of doing all the chasing (and let’s face it, that’s what you’re doing-) it would be an interesting experiment to lay low and actually see if this brotha reaches out to you. on his own. guys like the girls they can chase. the end.

Erin: Men are simple. If you have a legitimate reason to text him, then do so. Otherwise, let him pursue you. It's much sexier. P.S. - grammar




2. 

I'm a very happily married guy in his early 40's with two kids. We've been married over ten years and are madly in love, and have an enviable relationship in terms of communication and trust. Our sex life is pretty good considering we have kids; we manage to have sex at least once every 10 days or so. Not as much as I'd like (what a shocker) but for where we are it's good. But once in a while I look at porn online as a means of release. My wife has been okay with this in the past, but would prefer I didn't do it. However several months ago I stumbled across a web chat room where you can watch other people's cameras and broadcast your own. It's totally anonymous and no one shows their faces, only neck down kind of stuff. I visited the site several times, justifying it as just another kind of porn, "live porn" if you will. There was never any one on one activity; that's not how the site is set up - you watch several broadcasts at a time and maybe someone watches you if you were "lucky" (the female to male ratio was off the charts as you can imagine). Anyway, it started to feel like what I was doing was really gross, and after weeks of mustering up the courage, I told my wife everything. I love, value and respect her too much for it to continue.

Obviously, she was devastated. She feels betrayed, angry, and disgusted. She feels like I cheated on her and doesn't know how to rebuild our trust. I've been 100% open and communicative, ready to listen and not at all defensive. I have acknowledged the pain I've caused and apologized profusely, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

The question is, how can I best support her as she moves through this? What do I do? As ridiculous as it sounds, it had nothing to do with her - I wasn't pushed away, I wasn't unhappy or mad at her, I'm intensely sexually attracted to her - it's not like an affair where it's totally cut and dry cheating. I just wanted to find a new way to get my rocks off, but I've hurt her beyond measure and it's killing me to see her like this.

Any insight or comments or advice would be most helpful and appreciated.

Lisa: JESUS CHRIST.  since getting this question, i’ve been chomping at the fucking bit to answer it! and the tutorial on the live porn chat room - THANK YOU. well done. succinct but chock full ‘o good information! i certainly appreciated it and am i sure some of our more perverse weirdo readers will too. YAY!

Erin: If you are only having sex once every 10 days (or so), that means less than 10% of days in an entire year. That's really depressing. I honestly don't blame you. 

Would I be mad? At the porn- no. I think it's completely ignorant to not acknowledge that EVERY ONE of us looks/has looked/will look at porn- for a whole variety of reasons. I might be bummed if my man was in live sex chat rooms, but I also couldn't wouldn't go with that little sex in my life. And, I have a kid, and I get it, but still. 

Although I understand how kids vacuum up time/energy/sex appeal, you owe it to each other to make intimacy a priority. I think part of making a commitment is committing to maintaining a healthy sex life, which may include: getting into foreplay to get yourself in the mood, giving a blow job when you don't feel like having sex, keeping yourself feeling and looking sexy, and initiating physical contact. She has a part in this, too. It's easy to forget the other person's part when we are stuck under the guilt quilt (*guilt quilt courtesy of Fresh Meat, which you should watch- but that's a lecture for another day). 

Lisa: ANYWAY- ok. once every 10 days for sex - yikers, bro. no wonder you’re into porn. if i were in relationship/marriage, et cetera -which i’m currently, um, not- i would want to get laid at least 4-5 times a week...right? so i understand your frustration. frealz. that sucks. i’m glad you and your wife are in love and stuff, but let’s step the sex stuff up. eventually. she’s mad at you right now, so you might have to heal a few things first, but please start having more sex with your wife. porn will be less exciting if you’ve got the real pussy right there ready to go.

next off, i have to say that telling people everything is sometimes not the best idea. i know you were ‘being honest’ and all that shit, but at what price? you could have stopped the live porn chat stuff and left your wifey-poo out of it - she aint’ the judge and she ain’t the jury. what i'm trying to say is sometimes when WE are looking for relief, we hurt OTHERS unnecessarily by being too honest.

so all that being said, she needs to forgive you. i get why she is upset - as a chick, i really do - but she’s gotta let this go now. holding on to anger and resentment causes cancer and it’s unhealthy to live in a situation with someone who is mad at you all the time. fuck that shit. you did it, you owned it and now she needs to forgive you so you can both work on loving each other and having mind-blowing-porn-style-sex. ;o)

Erin: Sincerely, I hope you can work this out. Although I loathe the concept of "couples therapy," it might be a good idea here, to diffuse the tension and provide a foundation for getting your relationship back on track. Good luck, dude. 




3. 

I have been dating my boyfriend of 1 year. We started dating right after he broke of his relationship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years. We see each other every Wednesday and every weekend Fri-Mon, we then stay at his place. Monday evenings I do my washing, Tuesday evenings I pack for Wed and Thursday, Thursday evenings I pack for the weekends. Is it too soon to ask if we can move in together? I know that he does not want to get married. He says I am putting him under pressure. What do I do?


Lisa: OMG, i had to read and re-read this question like 40 times. ‘washing’? what are you, amish? look, sweets, you need to fucking chill. no moving in. ugh. c’mon. he’s just out of an eight year thing. god, even i feel smothered by your schedule with him so i get why your guy is saying he feels pressure, LISTEN TO HIM. respect that. BACK OFF. furthermore, don’t you have any hobbies? anything you can do so you’re not rushing over to get into his bed every night? tip: try yoga. you need it.

Erin: I am equally smothered by your schedule. Calm down. It's only been a year. If he says you're pressuring him...guess what that means? You're pressuring him! Stop! That's a dude's red flag warning. Also, you mention he doesn't want to get married. I have the sneaking suspicion that you do, and are doing that lame thing that women do sometimes- ignore the truth he is giving you. When dude says he doesn't want to get married, that is not code for, "You can change me, if you try." It means that you're not going to marry this guy. Also, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we both think you're the easy rebound chick. You are way too available with your rigorous schedule of packing and washing and packing again. 



Listen kids, we are hear to tell you the truth. Sometimes, that's a bummer for us for you. We do so because we care. It's not easy being rarely wrong. Keep asking, we'll keep answering (see top right of page). You might hate us a little in the morning, but you'll thank us later. 
xoxo

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Polar Whoretex



You guys, seriously, need to stop. 


Yes, it's cold in New York City.....and (GASP SHOCK YIKES) snowing. 


Dear people in warm places  LA, stop commenting on Instagram/Facebook/any other social media photos of any remotely "wintry" climate and saying things like.....


"This is why I live in LA, brah."



"It's 75 and sunny here. #sorrynotsorry"



"Perfect beach day! Sorry, rest of the country!"



Guess what?



I don't care. I like (GASP SHOCK YIKES) weather! Yes, it's cold, and it's snowing, and things close, and it's a pain in the butt- but I like it here! We get it- you've got "perfect" weather, all year long. Yes. I lived there. Most of my life. I know. 



Don't get me wrong. I  fully appreciate a sunset/palm tree photo as much as I do a blizzard pic- I just don't need the added commentary. And you may not probably shouldn't care. Let's see the pretty pics and be done with it. 



I am happy to report that the LEAST interesting thing about me is the weather in my current geographical location. 


P.S. I'm a hypocrite.
P.P.S. But, I'm escaping to Paris today, unless this crappy weather stops me.
P.P.S. And I'll see you in 10 days, LA. I promise to post lots of #sorrynotsorry "It's 80 degrees, you guys!" pics.








Monday, January 20, 2014

Slowing Down


As part of his Stainless project, Adam Magyar has created these hypnotic slow-motion videos of people on subway platforms. 






As he says, the people become "living sculptures." I'm spellbound. Slowing everything down allows you to sort of spend more time in a specific moment (very quantum physics-y). 

If they had a channel that played nothing but slow-mo videos of people on subway platforms, I would watch all-day, in the background of whatever else I was doing. You can see full-length video and stills (where you can zoom in on the faces in the trains) on his website. 






Friday, January 17, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa! 2 Idiots for the Price of One! (Probably NSFW)







As promised, I have called for backup, and by backup I mean another survivor of so many mistakes in all areas of life, my gal pal, you may know her as The Trouble With Lisa, but I just like to call her "hey bitch." (**Also, fellas, she is recently single, so there's that.)


And now, the questions.....




1. 

Ok, I cannot take being set up one more time by my "friends," who seem to think I am a fat, ugly, slutty, bore- based on these set-ups. I know about all of the various online/app dating sites- but I am leery to get my feet wet! Any recommends or advice or warnings?
Thanks,
J

Lisa:  look, online dating freaks me out, too, so i totally understand. HOWEVER, it can be a good way to boost your confidence whilst getting back out there. my main advice here is not take it too seriously. a lot of guys will hit you up; some will be totally disgusting and vile. most you wont like, but there is a chance you might meet someone super fucking cool. this is what i would do. i was recently back in LA and got on tinder. try that first. then try ok cupid, then match.com. in that order. and also: stop any chatter with regard to yourself as fat, slutty or bore-based. thoughts become things, sister.

Erin: Ok, truth be told, I have never done online dating. It seems like a fucking nightmare. That being said, it seems like a good idea when you are bored and/or want to get laid. I have not had luck being set up by friends either. My one and only blind date (a friend set-up) was with a young, fairly successful, producer, who kept me trapped in the valley while he smoked crack and then apologized. But, that's another story. Also, he drove a convertible Saab, which shouldn't reflect poorly on other Saab drivers. 

Lisa: i did meet a cute jewish guy on tinder...MY DREAM and i'll be seeing him when i go back to LA in a month ;o) i'll keep you posted. the thing i like about the online dating thing is that it shows you the ABUNDANCE that is everyfuckingwhere. men are everywhere.

Erin: You can always try Lulu to vet your online prospects, although a review built on hashtags can only do so much. 




2.

There's a girl acquaintance I know. We used to chat on f/b and did the coffee thing. She was very nice, but I failed to get closer due to my own issues. We went out of touch, I deleted my account and lost contact with her. I've seen her from time to time in person. She's seemed weird when I saw her. I was stressed out at the time and made the mistake of sending a creepy message or two. I think I stumbled into the awkward creeper guy status, and every time saw her, tried to send a message or approach her in person, I was just digging a hole.

I'd like to know her again. I was thinking about sending an actual email (to her business email as I never needed her personal one) to apologize and show a genuine interest in catching up or is that just too creepy?



Help me get out of creeper status!

Lisa: dear creeper: ugh. i've been on both sides of this one. the thing is- if she likes you, you'd know it.  usually i find that if a dude likes me he will stop at nothing to see me, which i like - i like a man to pursue me. SO, that being said, let's give this thing another whirl: reach out via email. DO NOT WRITE SOME LONG BULLSHIT. keep it simple. say hi. tell her you'd like to see her sometime if she's up for it.

Erin: First off, Creeper Dude, don't send anything to her WORK email. That's extra creepy, because there's a good chance that her work emails are read by other people at said workplace. Secondly, you lost me at "my own issues." Sorry. For the sake of future non-creepy relations, clear up those issues now. Nothing is creepier than your issues.

Lisa: i disagree with erin here - i think the work email is fine. the bitch can always press delete if it bugs her. good luck - i am rooting for you. 

Erin: Whatever.





3.

My boyfriend can get really rough. Like when I'm giving him oral, he'll grab my head and like push me down so I deep throat. And I understand that he might need to feel that, but he can just let me know, he doesn't need to force me down. It gets to the point where I'm like literally trying to push him away from me. And during sex he can get kinda rough. Like when I need to stop or slow down, he just ignores it and keeps going. It's fairly early into the relationship, it's only been about 3 months, so I really don't know how to bring it up without him feeling hurt or getting angry. Despite what I said, he is a genuine guy and I do really like him, I don't want to hurt the relationship at all, I just need him to back off a little. Best ways to tell him that without being too mean?

Erin: Your teeth are your best defense here. But seriously, you are an adult, I assume, in an adult relationship... and like I say to the kids, if you can't handle talking about this stuff, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it at all. Take some responsibility for your sex life and your body. If you don't like it rough, tell him. Because, "The more you know...."

Lisa: i'm so sorry for the rough sex problem you're having. have him email me instead- thetroublewithlisa@gmail.com mucho appreciated. 






Well, freaks, I hope this helps. I have indentured Lisa to continue wading through your questions with me. We will get to them all, so keep them coming. Use the email box on the top right, enter whatever made-up email address you like, along with your question, and we will answer your anonymous question with all the care and heart we can muster. xoxo



Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Crush-Worthy World of Julia Wertz




Because I am very lucky, one of my writing professor's sent me a link to this piece today, by Julia Wertz. She is a writer/cartoonist/explorer and she writes about comedy and depression and addiction in a clear, honest, non-victim-y, and, most importantly, funny way. 

I am obsessed. She is pretty rad. 

You can read the article here. Actually, that's more of a command. Read the article HERE
You can buy her books here.
Or better yet, buy her books, directly from her, along with other stuff, here
You can see more of her work on her website
And while you're at it, check out her blog about exploring abandoned buildings, etc. 

You are very, very welcome.

Friday, January 10, 2014

If she is like a cat, I have kitty litter.

If she is like a dog, we do it on the paper. 





Have you ever watched Steve Martin's standup specials from the late 1970s? Do it. This weekend. You're welcome. 






And, did you know that in 2012, this came out?!?




I need this.  You can buy it for me here


Comic genius, I tell you. 



Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Doling it out


Here it is- the first Ask Erin! of 2014. It's just me answering this time, but, rest assured, I will have successfully dragged my "colleague" into this mess for the next installment. Let's do this.



erin:

im single you know my deal. when i am gonna meet my man? and not a janky asshole, my REAL man?


Dear Single,

Not on the internet. 

OK, for real though, probably not on the internet, probably when you are super clear on what YOU want, probably when you're not looking, probably when you stop overlooking all the red flags, probably sooner than you think! 






How do you tell the new girl you're dating about your past- drugs, major fuck-ups, etc.? And when? Does she need to know this information? Keep me anonymous. Thanks

Dear Mr. Past,

Maybe it's not first date material, but the sooner the better. Seriously. If you plan on having any sort of future with this girl (I'm assuming you are using "girl" casually, and she is not actually a child, but a woman.), you need to be honest. 

Those skeletons have a way of knocking down the closet door when you've shut it. (Did I really just type that? Shoot me.) For better or worse, our past shapes who we are today. 

I don't run from the few many minor major mistakes I made in the past. And guess what? People still like me. Some of them even love me. (With the exception of internet trolls who think I am a hooker.) And guess what, also? I like me, too, despite my mistakes, despite my flaws. 

The sooner you embrace the past and lay it out on the table, the better off you and your budding relationship will be. I assume you are not the same person today that you were way back when. Let her see you, the real you, not the edited milk-toast (a term that delights and disgusts me)version. 

If she can't/doesn't want to deal with the truth, about things that happened long before you met, then move on. Because it wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway. 

Tell her the truth. (Have I said this enough ways/times?) Today.






I met this guy almost 2 years ago. Then he asked me out, but it was not even a date, we just spent an afternoon together, swimming, talking to each other. This was the day I felt in love or at leas I felt some chemistry.
Since then he has been inviting me to his place to have sex once or twice a months. We met outside his apartment twice, had drinks and talked.

The problem is I love him and the sex is amazing, he is so attentive, and gentle and passionate. But I want a normal relationship, I don`t want to be just a **** buddy.

I wonder what his deal is! If he does not like me, why does he still want to have sex with me. It `s been going on for 2 years! Is there a little hope that we can have a relationship?

do I need to talk to him and let him know how I feel, or just try to ignore him and forget about him?


Dear Miss Slow-Learner,

And I use that title with love. Oh honey, this is not headed towards a relationship. Casual sex has a very small window to turn into something more. 

And you don't love him, you love the sex and the chemistry and the attention from a man who remains just out of reach. 

Why does he still want to have sex with you once or twice a month for the past 2 years? Because he can. He is probably having sex with someone else and invites you over when he's horny. 

It's, sadly, very simple. And, yes, you are just a ****buddy. 

Don't hate me for telling you the truth. Unless you just want to have sex with him, cut it off, and leave yourself available to meet a man, a better man, one who actually wants you to hang around. 

Make me proud!




If you have a question you'd like me to answer, about love, sex, relationships, questionable parenting, science, grammar, cheese, whisky, or anything at all, use the form on the top right. (You can enter a fake email address. I will keep you anonymous. I promise.)

xoxo


Monday, January 6, 2014

Reason Number 8,642 that Mike White is a Genius




He executive produced this.


The Boring Life of Jacqueline is an HBO digital series and it's my new favorite thing. I have already binge-watched all 10 of the 15 minute episodes and I'm using a vision board to manifest its return for a second season. Seriously, you guys. It is brilliant. You can watch it on HBO GO  and probably elsewhere if your search/download/stream skills are more advanced than mine. 




The brilliant Jaclyn Jonet plays an out of work actress in New York City who is a lot clueless but also relatable in all the embarrassing ways we don't want to admit. The first episode seems slow and weird, but just trust me. If you're not into this and it doesn't make you LOL, then we probably shouldn't be friends. (But, I will forgive you for de-friending me for using LOL in a proper sentence.) 



Here are some more promos....




And trailer...


PS. When you do watch this, because you trust my opinion, please note the brilliance of the show opening.