Friday, January 31, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa! : The Fun Continues.... (Probably NSFW)




Hello, we're back, to lead you blindly towards better lives. Or something. 




1.

I've been thinking of cheating on myself. I know it's wrong but I just can't help myself. I just don't pay as much attention to myself as I used to. It's getting boring and I think maybe it's time to step out of my stale personal relationship and get something from somewhere else. Is this a good idea? If I do cheat should I just lie to myself rather than admitting the truth? Do you think my left hand will know what my right hand is doing?

Lisa:  Erin, is this one of your friends fucking with us?

Erin: No, this is one of my narcissist friends. 

Lisa:  First off, I notice that you said "myself" about 200 times in your question, so I totally could get why you'd want to cheat on yourself: You're bored with your very own adorable narcissistic personality. Secondly, and totally off topic, you seem like you are perhaps one of those weirdo-split-personality-Geminis. The WORST (Apologies to Bob Dylan and Stevie Nicks.).

Erin: Also, you use your left hand? Leftie? (Just trying to narrow down my friends.)

Lisa:  The right hand will know, but maybe one hand could slap you across your own face. Erin, what you got here? Anyway, cheating is wrong and a big deal, but let's face it, everyone does it or does it eventually. 

Erin: Way to bring it down, Lisa. Bottom line, it's totally okay to cheat on yourself. And sometimes, a slap feels good. 



2. 

My girlfriend just told me about this guy named Terry that she's been texting. I can't get any information about this guy out of her. Her excuse for it is that I don't bring her around my friends. We've been dating for 4 1/2 years now and when we first started dating she told me she didn't want to. I did take her to my best friends wedding and she's met all my closest friends. I asked her a few simple questions about Terry like how long have ya'll known each other and why won't you tell me anything about him. She goes berserk with anger when I ask. She kicked me out one night and said she wanted to hang out with him alone. I just found out that he visits her in the morning before he goes to work and I get out of bed. She just told me that she can't spend time with me sunday because she's going to dinner with him late and won't give up the details. At first it was just that she was going out to dinner late. I asked her what was up and she said it's just dinner. I than asked if it was someone else then she said Terry. So far I know that they couldn't have slept together due to her roommate being there. I am horrified to think that after dinner she will go back to his place. Our sex life is becoming stagnant maybe 2 times a week. Needless to say not as good for her as it once was. Don't get me wrong she gets off just mainly from me going down on her. With us not being intimate as frequently I don't last as long. Discussed it with her and no change. Now I'm building up with anxiety over Terry. Her birthday was last week and Terry has money so he bought her the same stuff as me ironicly just better quality. She swears he's just a friend but I've heard that in 2 other relationships and caught one. She also acts loving and we hold hands and she caresses my hand and arm while watching tv. She tells me she loves me but not as much as she used to. I try to be romantic and rub her feet most days I see here and have candlit sensual massages when ever I can get her alone. The biggest differance is our senses of humor are only partialy in sync. Her biggest pet peave against me I've noticed is that I am a large man and both our apartments are small so I'm in the way a lot. I know I can be jealous but in this case am I letting my past influence me or do ya'll agree that she's probably cheating?

Erin: Terry? Who the hell is named Terry? 

Lisa:  If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. So, if I were you, I'd duck the fuck out of this relationship. Your girl is cheating on you, with Terry. 

Erin: I'm going to go with my gut here. Terry is not a man. Terry is a woman. You are a beard. A self-proclaimed large beard. She only gets off when you go down on her. My money is on her closing her eyes while you do so, and imagining Terry, so very. Dude, get out. You have wasted 4 1/2 years with someone who's obviously not that into you. There are plenty of ladies who would love to come home to foot rubs and candlelit sensual massages. (Also, people, in general, please use spellcheck when sending us messages.) Thanks! 

Lisa:  I agree with what Erin says. Two-times a week for sex is lame, and it's clear she's not appreciating you. My theory is that: if you have to wrap yourself into a pretzel to be with someone, it just ain't worth it. Get out. 




3. 


I'm a 29 year old female and I've never had good sex, I've had one guy able to make me cum but it was only one time he tried again and wasn't able to. I have sex for the first time at 18 and its been like this ever since. I've lied and pretended that I came because I was just too embarressed and scared to tell the truth (what guy wants to hear they can't get their girl off?). I've tried tell the guys I'm with what i want and most of the time they don't even listen to me or they try what i want for a little bit but then go back to what they know. I do have a kinky side but I'm really afraid to let that come out because I mean I can't even get the hang of normal sex. I'm so frusterated and depressed about the whole thing it makes the whole idea of sex a very scary thing. Help please!

Lisa: GIRLFRIEND, do yourself a favor and invest in a Lelo vibrator. Get to know yourself with this, which will eventually become your best friend. Trust me. 

Erin: Yes, Lisa is right, you need to be able to get yourself off first. Then, you will actually know what hits you in the right spot, literally. Sadly, according to half of our questions, a lot of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives and/or have never had an orgasm. This advice applies to all of you. Get yourself off and then tell your partner/s what you like. There's no shame in telling someone how to please you. Trust me, they will be grateful. If they're not, you shouldn't be letting them touch you. 

Lisa: I just want to add, I was concerned about this very issue with myself, until I was 19 and had an amazing orgasm with my boyfriend, albeit on ecstasy. Oops! I don't think you need to resort to drugs to have an orgasm, but I do think you need to invest $100 in a good vibrator and watch some porn with yourself. Please write back and let us know how this goes for you. 




As you wait with bated breath for next week's installment, keep the questions coming (Discover spellcheck, I beg of you.). Use the Ask Erin! box on the right. We will answer all questions, eventually! xoxo






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