Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Doling it out


Here it is- the first Ask Erin! of 2014. It's just me answering this time, but, rest assured, I will have successfully dragged my "colleague" into this mess for the next installment. Let's do this.



erin:

im single you know my deal. when i am gonna meet my man? and not a janky asshole, my REAL man?


Dear Single,

Not on the internet. 

OK, for real though, probably not on the internet, probably when you are super clear on what YOU want, probably when you're not looking, probably when you stop overlooking all the red flags, probably sooner than you think! 






How do you tell the new girl you're dating about your past- drugs, major fuck-ups, etc.? And when? Does she need to know this information? Keep me anonymous. Thanks

Dear Mr. Past,

Maybe it's not first date material, but the sooner the better. Seriously. If you plan on having any sort of future with this girl (I'm assuming you are using "girl" casually, and she is not actually a child, but a woman.), you need to be honest. 

Those skeletons have a way of knocking down the closet door when you've shut it. (Did I really just type that? Shoot me.) For better or worse, our past shapes who we are today. 

I don't run from the few many minor major mistakes I made in the past. And guess what? People still like me. Some of them even love me. (With the exception of internet trolls who think I am a hooker.) And guess what, also? I like me, too, despite my mistakes, despite my flaws. 

The sooner you embrace the past and lay it out on the table, the better off you and your budding relationship will be. I assume you are not the same person today that you were way back when. Let her see you, the real you, not the edited milk-toast (a term that delights and disgusts me)version. 

If she can't/doesn't want to deal with the truth, about things that happened long before you met, then move on. Because it wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway. 

Tell her the truth. (Have I said this enough ways/times?) Today.






I met this guy almost 2 years ago. Then he asked me out, but it was not even a date, we just spent an afternoon together, swimming, talking to each other. This was the day I felt in love or at leas I felt some chemistry.
Since then he has been inviting me to his place to have sex once or twice a months. We met outside his apartment twice, had drinks and talked.

The problem is I love him and the sex is amazing, he is so attentive, and gentle and passionate. But I want a normal relationship, I don`t want to be just a **** buddy.

I wonder what his deal is! If he does not like me, why does he still want to have sex with me. It `s been going on for 2 years! Is there a little hope that we can have a relationship?

do I need to talk to him and let him know how I feel, or just try to ignore him and forget about him?


Dear Miss Slow-Learner,

And I use that title with love. Oh honey, this is not headed towards a relationship. Casual sex has a very small window to turn into something more. 

And you don't love him, you love the sex and the chemistry and the attention from a man who remains just out of reach. 

Why does he still want to have sex with you once or twice a month for the past 2 years? Because he can. He is probably having sex with someone else and invites you over when he's horny. 

It's, sadly, very simple. And, yes, you are just a ****buddy. 

Don't hate me for telling you the truth. Unless you just want to have sex with him, cut it off, and leave yourself available to meet a man, a better man, one who actually wants you to hang around. 

Make me proud!




If you have a question you'd like me to answer, about love, sex, relationships, questionable parenting, science, grammar, cheese, whisky, or anything at all, use the form on the top right. (You can enter a fake email address. I will keep you anonymous. I promise.)

xoxo


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