Thursday, February 27, 2014

Ask Erin And Lisa!: Long-distance, making out in bars, and waiting to get it on. (Maybe NSFW)

Lisa and I are back to tackle world issues, solve global crises, or just give you bad advice about your sex life.


I met a babe on a business trip. We really hit it off but we live about a 6 hour plane ride apart. He wants me to come visit him. I want him to come visit me. I offered to meet him somewhere we can both fly cheaper and direct as a compromise. My question is this: is his unwillingness to literally go the distance a foreshadowing of his inability to figuratively go the distance in a relationship? Should I rescind my offer and let him come to me if he wants to see me again? ALSO, if it's on should i warn him I may not put out?

Erin: Lisa, can you believe it's been a whole week since our last post?

Lisa: well, time has gone by quickly for me, because I've been doing a lot of tinder-ing. 

Erin: In the last week, I've been drunk at a Romanian steakhouse, fielded emails from strangers who think I should be raped because they didn't like what I said, and mourned the loss of what I thought was Spring last weekend. 

Lisa:  drunk at a romanian steakhouse?! i can't wait to come visit you in manhattan, erin! i got stood up by a tinder date. that's cool.

Erin: Can you go back in time and left-swipe? 

Lisa:  i just chose to never answer any more of his pleas to see me. so, that's done. 

Erin: Yeah, his "apology" texts you forwarded to me were really lame. Alright, enough of this. Let's answer this bitch's question.

Lisa: ah, the good ol' bizness trip babe. what a fantastic and beautiful thing. 

Erin: I would be remiss if I didn't admit that I have had more than one long-distance relationship/affair/dalliance/whatever. And, when I was, I honestly preferred going to them, because if someone comes to you and probably stays with you, you're trapped. If you go to them, you can escape. Meeting in between could be fun, as long as you have an escape plan. 

Lisa: ok, you already put it out there that you are willing to meet him somewhere neutral. i like this idea. as far as foreshadowing goes, this is not a hitchcock flick. he doesn't know you and you don't really know him, so compromise on the locale is appropriate in your case. as we all know by now, i'm a bit of a hard ass when it comes to the guy making the first move, but my rules must be relaxed when it comes to dating long distance.

Erin: Here's another thought. If you don't want to put out when you meet, I'm thinking you must be looking for some level of relationship with this person. And, I wonder why you want to get into a long distance relationship. I got into them, probably so I didn't have to really commit- not that I was unfaithful, but you know you only have to give so much if you only see the person once a month. The thing about long-distance is it's great if you want a relationship to give you some stability with minimal effort and time commitment. However, at a certain point it's just going to feel like you're tied down and not getting laid, enjoying all the crap that comes with a relationship without the benefits. 

Lisa: whatever you do, don't rescind your offer. you would come off as crazy-town and confused and no one wants to see that. and sure, warn him that you may not fuck him right away, but be open to all possibilities, please. 


So, I met this guy on facebook randomly. We hit it off instantly via messenger, then text, then phone. We texted a ton every day. We had our first date yesterday. It was wonderful. Intense chemistry, great dialogue. I was comfortable and things felt natural.

So I tell my friend "Patty" I met a guy. "Patty" asks his name. A while later, she texts me and says, "He has a past." I guess she found a friend of his friend who said he is a player? Like in the past (and this has been several years) he'd supposedly go to a bar and get drunk and make out with girls. Okay. So this guy is 35 now and I wonder, do I hold his past against him?

It's really discouraging to know this about him so early on in the getting to know you phase. It has soured my view on him and made me more cautious. I have been hurt twice with really painful breakups and this seems like a recipe for disaster.

Side note: I did NOT tell my friend to dig and find out info about him and frankly can't tell if I'm annoyed or should appreciate this.

Lisa: god, i loathe patty already. she seems like a drama mama and a chaos maker. 

Erin: Yeah, "Patty" just wants to yuck your yum. Unless, "Patty" knows you and knows that you make poor decisions when it comes to men, such as meeting them on Facebook. What are you, 17? 

Lisa: i ALWAYS think people should decide for themselves about others. i've heard this kind of warning in the form of oh-it's-something-you-should-know about dudes i've dated/begun to date and guess what? i don't give a shit. i prefer to inform my own decisions when it comes to others. you could ask 100 people what they think of me and someone (ok, maybe many someones) would have some shitty opinion of me. based on what? an interaction they had with me that was less than favorable? ok. a guy i haphazardly dated/made out with/had sex with/whatever when i was less discerning than i am now? fair. but your "friend" Patty needs to respect that you are in something new and allow you to experience it without the commentary based on a friend of a friend. 

Erin: If the worst thing in his past is that several years ago he got drunk at bars and made out with girls, I can only imagine what "Patty" would have to say about me. This doesn't sound like a red flag. If that behavior when he was younger shocks you or "Patty," I am far more concerned with the level of excitement in your lives.


Out of sheer curiosity what do you think is an appropriate time to wait to have sex with some one you really like and potentially want to be serious with? I have heard many answers. I also understand that we are all different and all circumstances and situations are different. However, I think that there is a natural instinct or desire in each of us to hunt and chase or to want what we can't have or want some thing we have to work hard for to get.

Erin: Hold on a minute, Lisa is squealing.

Lisa: omg, great question. i've been thinking about this a lot for myself, as well. i'd say to wait at least a few dates, let's say 5-7, if you want a long-term, frealz serious thing. 

Erin: I have a hard time with this question. I think every serious relationship I ever had began with sex, and truthfully, sex too soon/right away. I've never been good at following "the rules." I am not advocating this, but that has been my experience. I will add, that I have slept with far less people than most of my friends, but that doesn't mean I have ever waited if there was someone I wanted to get naked with. I like to think of it as good intuition. However,  a survey of some of my past boyfriends could counter-argue the intuition defense. 

Lisa: listen, the advent of online dating has created a cesspool and culture of peeps that meet up/fuck and never talk again. i'm not really into that shit (anymore), but lotsa folks are. 

Erin: Good point, I have never done the online dating thing, unless you count the dudes I've met from this blog. Just kidding! (sort of). 

Lisa: eventual outcomes with regard to having sex are always dicey, but if you want something more meaningful in your life, WAIT. 

Erin: Also, waiting will give you an opportunity to see if YOU really want that level of intimacy with that person. 

Keep sending us your questions/problems/quandaries. We will answer them all. If you sent us a question and it has not been answered yet, rest assured that it will be, eventually! Use the box at the top right of the page to ask a question. As always your anonymity is golden. 


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