Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Portrait of the Man in 3C

Let me start by apologizing. I didn't start out with the desire to peer into your life. You can blame, or I can blame, my keen peripheral vision. 

Man in 3C, your name begins with P. I won't put it here. I'm not a monster. I know things about you. These things add up and I've drawn my own conclusions. 

Here's what I know: 

  • You googled "How do you know if it's time to get a divorce?" Twice. 
  • You scrolled obsessively through emails from 2011 in Outlook. 
  • You ordered Benares from Seamless. I think it's Indian food. It's shown up in my Seamless options before. 
  • You met someone at Brasserie 8. They were sorry if they were 10 minutes late. 
  • You once rented a home in South Hampton. You wrote a nice email to the owner of the house telling her how much you enjoyed your stay. 
  • You refused Douglas's expense report. Your tone was aggravated. 
  • You looked for a house to rent in Malibu. On Zillow. On Redfin. On Craigslist.
  • You looked for a condo to rent in Malibu. 
  • You switched your search to the Pacific Palisades. 
  • You google-mapped many of them.
  • You searched for "RP" (I won't put her name here, I'm not a monster.) and "confidential" in Outlook and Gmail. 
  • You read TMZ stories about Justin Bieber touching strippers at Super Bowl parties. 
  • You checked your Outlook, then Gmail, then Outlook, then Gmail. 
  • You browsed furniture on Craigslist. 
  • You answered an email from Stephanie. (I know, I used her real name. I am only half of a monster.)
  • You ordered a Sprite and a cheese plate. 
  • You took up all of the elbow room on the armrest and sort of infringed on my personal space. 
  • At the end of the flight, you helped me get my bag down, and I felt bad for utilizing my keen peripheral vision and taking mental notes. 
  • At the luggage carousel, I noticed you were handsome, a little sad, and a little lost. 
Good luck, P, I hope it's a beach blanket bingo summer in the 'Bu. 


Anonymous said...

you're sort of nosy, don't you think?

erin said...

Oh, totally.

philip said...

I love this and I wish I was the man in 3c.

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