Let me start by apologizing. I didn't start out with the desire to peer into your life. You can blame, or I can blame, my keen peripheral vision.
Man in 3C, your name begins with P. I won't put it here. I'm not a monster. I know things about you. These things add up and I've drawn my own conclusions.
Here's what I know:
- You googled "How do you know if it's time to get a divorce?" Twice.
- You scrolled obsessively through emails from 2011 in Outlook.
- You ordered Benares from Seamless. I think it's Indian food. It's shown up in my Seamless options before.
- You met someone at Brasserie 8. They were sorry if they were 10 minutes late.
- You once rented a home in South Hampton. You wrote a nice email to the owner of the house telling her how much you enjoyed your stay.
- You refused Douglas's expense report. Your tone was aggravated.
- You looked for a house to rent in Malibu. On Zillow. On Redfin. On Craigslist.
- You looked for a condo to rent in Malibu.
- You switched your search to the Pacific Palisades.
- You google-mapped many of them.
- You searched for "RP" (I won't put her name here, I'm not a monster.) and "confidential" in Outlook and Gmail.
- You read TMZ stories about Justin Bieber touching strippers at Super Bowl parties.
- You checked your Outlook, then Gmail, then Outlook, then Gmail.
- You browsed furniture on Craigslist.
- You answered an email from Stephanie. (I know, I used her real name. I am only half of a monster.)
- You ordered a Sprite and a cheese plate.
- You took up all of the elbow room on the armrest and sort of infringed on my personal space.
- At the end of the flight, you helped me get my bag down, and I felt bad for utilizing my keen peripheral vision and taking mental notes.
- At the luggage carousel, I noticed you were handsome, a little sad, and a little lost.
Good luck, P, I hope it's a beach blanket bingo summer in the 'Bu.