Thursday, March 13, 2014

Ask Erin And Lisa!: "Tommy Lasagna" Lends Us a Hand or Two. (NSFW because we talk about sex.)

We're back! And we are not alone......

Erin: Hey, Lisa! We are so lucky, because today, we have help, in the form of a man. 

Lisa: well

Erin: We can't use his real name.

Tommy: You can call me Tommy Lasagna. 

Erin: He's currently in a top secret location in the Alps or something. We needed back up because Lisa is currently enjoying/dragging her ass through SXSW.  So are you ready to help/confuse people?

Tommy: I think I am. I have to score 45 more points in this Spades game. It's a metaphor for relationships. 

Erin: Here's our first question...

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years, and we've been living together for about 8 months. We get along great, both love each other, and will be engaged (hopefully) within the next year. However our sex life is... plain- other times bad. He doesn't like to try new positions- he has two that are his favorites and that's all he ever wants. As far as oral sex goes, I give him blow jobs pretty consistently but the last time he's gone down on me was at least 6 months ago. I keep myself clean & shaven so I'm not sure what the problem is but anytime I bring it up he just says he doesn't like it. (I don't enjoy giving blow jobs but I do anyway because I know he likes them).

Sex is most of the time unsatisfying for me. It takes me awhile to climax and he finishes pretty quickly sometimes. He's usually tired afterwards and falls asleep- which leaves me laying there still turned on and unsatisfied. It not only makes me sexually frustrated but emotionally as well. I just want him to finish me off in some way. It just seems like he doesn't care about how I feel after sex.

Any tips on how to bring this up to him either directly/indirectly?

Erin: First of all, what's with both of you? You don't like to give blow jobs, but do so begrudgingly, and he doesn't like to go down on you. Um, are you sure you're both straight?

Tommy: It could be that she has a very shallow mouth and he has a very short tongue. 

Lisa: i have a friend whose bf won't eat her out either and it is the source of much tension in their relationship. 

Erin: Also, you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you cannot have an open conversation with about your sex life. 

Lisa: i agree with you, erin. 

Erin: I mean, can she get herself off? Perhaps part of their sex life can include that, which may spark his interest in actually giving her an orgasm. 

Lisa: her dude sounds like a selfish prick.

Tommy: I'm not sure it's possible to be with someone whose genitals you won't put in your mouth. I mean it is possible. But, then you spend all day writing into advice columns asking them to help you fill a hole you yourself have dug. 

Erin: I think our general consensus is- she should move on. Next!

Is it possible to love two girls at once? I'm just curious as to if you have nay experience with this and if you think it's possible.

Lisa: i think you can have love for many people. but being in love? one at a time, please. 

Erin: I have felt, in the past, like I loved two people at once, but, really, it was just me being fucked up and unable to commit. 

Tommy: I was actually reading the other day about love (because that's what I do when I'm procrastinating and, also, when I'm not playing Spades on my iPhone.)

Erin: You are really good at procrastinating. And it takes one to know one. (Why do you think I have this blog?)

Tommy: Well, anyway, I was reading this book by Bell Hooks, called "All About Love." And, she is talking about what we are actually feeling when we're in love with someone. She uses this term "cathexis," which apparently is a Freudian term that essentially means investing energy into someone. That's what got me thinking. Bell Hooks has this critique of romantic love or notions of romantic love. She argues that we actually have some standard definition of love, and that we should think of love as an action, rather than a feeling. And, it's this whole idea that real love is what lets you and the other person flourish.

Lisa: OMG i'm getting teary-eyed. 

Tommy: So, when someone asks me if it's possible to love two people, I think the only serious legitimate answer is: AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT. 

(Erin and Lisa explode into laughter.)

Lisa: excellent advice. hold on, do you want to be my fantasy jewish boyfriend? 

Tommy: I'm almost done with this game of Spades. 

Erin: Is this like Fantasy Football, Lisa?

Tommy: I honestly think I do better as a fantasy/ internet boyfriend because I do not have time to help others flourish. 

Lisa: ok then, tommy lasagna is my new fantasy jewish bf.

Erin: You read it here first.

Went on two dates that I thought went pretty good and then received the message below about her basically friend zoning me. Curious how you would respond, as I've yet to send her a reply.

As far as going out again, I'm not sure about it at this point and I don't think it would be fair to you to keep going out while I figure out what I want. I know I definitely had a good time with you and like you a lot. I'm just not sure if I see more than friendship and I would feel like I was leading you on if we continued to go out on dates. If you would like to keep talking I'm open to it but I definitely understand if you would rather not.

Tommy: Ok, I got this one. So, you went on two dates that you thought went pretty good. And then the (girl) sends you a message that indicated you thought wrong. As far as getting let down easy, I think this girl's message is pretty spot on.

Erin: Agreed. She's not into you. Say, "thanks." 

Tommy: I actually always breathe a sigh of relief when I get a message like the one she sent, because there is no second guessing and she isn't wasting your time. (Even though while you've been waiting for our reply, you have probably sent her back some stupid self-deprecating message that made you look insane.) You should've probably just replied, "Thank you, I love you."

Lisa: i'd respond like this: k. or my FAVE: kk

Tommy: Omg, I think we were meant to be together, Lisa. 

Erin: I feel like some swanky skanky matchmaker. 

And on that note, we're outta here! Thank you, Tommy Lasagna, for bestowing your relationship wisdom upon us. We hope you join us again. Tommy and Lisa, good luck with your fantasy relationship. 

Now that we have a male perspective on board, send that deep burning question in. We will get to it as quickly as possible. You can use the box on the top right and your anonymity is golden. 

P.S. Tommy Lasagna, deep incognito. 


Anonymous said...

2 things I have learned from your advice posts- there are a lot of people having bad sex and dating sucks!

Anonymous said...

dude. garfield. yes! oh also erin- i think you may have struck a golden idea there with fantasy dating leagues.

philip said...

I would definitely sign up for this fantasy dating league. First draft?

Anonymous said...

You're all crazy

thetroublewithlisa said...

oh anonymous who says we are all crazy:

thank you for the kind words. really. it means a lot.