Thursday, March 20, 2014

Ask Erin!: The Cheese Stands Alone

Well kids, it's just me this week. But fret not, Lisa will be back next week to dispense more questionable advice with me. While she's on hiatus doing something someone, I felt I shouldn't leave so many people hanging. (Also, the backup of questions was giving me anxiety.) So, let's do this. 

Hey there,  just need some sort of advice or something ...

I had been going out with a guy for over a month and even I will admit things between us seemed to move fast .. you know that feeling when you feel that you have known someone for years because of how comfortable you feel with them? Well that was how it was with us. 

But recently he has been dealing with a lot of stress due to work and some medical issues he has had .. then all of a sudden he said he wasn't sure if he could deal with the added stress of us as well and pushed me away. He keeps saying he doesn't know what to do, and adamant he still really likes me a lot and his mind is '****ed' right now. 

He ended it with me, saying how he doesn't think he can do this anymore due to his stresses. I asked him if he thinks after he is under less pressure will he maybe change his mind or realize he has made a mistake.. he keeps saying he doesn't know and cant even talk about it. What should I do .. this has come all of sudden out of blue. Do I give up on him or wait for him? Hardest situation ever!

Contrary to what you said, this is not the "hardest situation ever." In fact, it's pretty easy. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, due to "stresses" he can't talk about it, and has given you no indication that there is any future. 


Also, your time investment is about a month. Better that you find out now that he can't handle stress, than 5 years from now, when your lives could be intertwined in ways that his lack of coping skills could really fuck things up for you. 

And, I do know what you mean. I have met several people in my life who felt familiar/like we'd known each other for years. Past life? I don't know, maybe. But, I do know that these "special connections" sometimes amount to nothing. C'est la vie. 

P.S. Your romantic relationship should be the LEAST stressful part of your life (most of the time). If it's not, you are probably in the wrong relationship. 

So I'm not sure if we are just friends or if we are moving into being more than that. I would like it to be more than that because I feel like we get along really well- share the same hobbies, don't run out of things to talk about, etc. 

We haven't known each other very long, but we text every day. He comes to see me at work and we do have some serious personal conversations. Over text, we talk pretty flirtatiously. For example: he said he was cold and wished he had someone to cuddle with. I said I wished I could come and cuddle with him and he responded "that's sweet of you." He calls me "dear" and "sweetie" over text but not in person. He usually instigates the texts (every day usually but not first thing in the morning), but sometimes I do too- he doesn't wait long to respond. 

We went on a date (I think...thus this question, Smile ) walking around and then to a movie (he paid). He smiled at me a lot and laughed at my jokes. He didn't hold my hand during the date or really touch me (even though I wanted him to) until we got in the car. I gave him a ride home since he doesn't have a car. On the ride to his house, he started tickling me. We sat in front of his house for like 10 minutes talking and then he kissed my cheek and gave me a pretty long hug. Then he texted me some 20 minutes later to see if I had gotten home safely and he said he had a great time. We texted for another three hours or so and he again started flirting over text. 

So I'm confused because he will flirt with me and call me those names over text but not in person as much. Was he trying to be polite and not forward on the first "date" or are we just friends? Should I try to make a move the next time we meet? Should I ask him? I like him and I don't want to lose him as a friend but at the same time I really like him as more than that. I also don't want to be the "aggressive" girl. Thanks for any advice.

How old are you? I feel like you must be young. So, I am going to go with that theory and be a little kinder with what I am about to say. 

Ok, if you are young, then maybe he is also young, and inexperienced, and dumb in that way that young men are. If that is the case, then RELAX. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen, and you don't need to be in a big old rush. 

If you are an adult and this is your quandary: Um, he's either gay (I have never been called "dear" or "sweetie" by a straight man)or he has you in a non-bone-zone, which leads me back to gay, because most straight men don't pursue platonic friendships with women in this way, unless you have some specific endeavor in common (like you both play music or you are both on the debate team). That is a gross generalization because there are exceptions, but they are just that- exceptions.

Another point, I cannot imagine text messaging a straight dude that I wish I had someone to cuddle with (period) and having them respond with "That's sweet of you." 

The tickling thing is a little creepy, particularly since you were DRIVING! Hello, car accident. 

Basically, you should just think, oh this is my new male friend with unclear sexuality. Find some new boys/men to send cuddly texts to. Perhaps he will make a move and then you will find out I am wrong about my theories here. But, I am rarely wrong. boyfriend and I are having a...discussion...on whether it's appropriate for him to buy lingerie for a female friend. It happened a long time ago so it's not affecting our relationship now. It's just a debate we are having because it's something he did when he was single. So? What do you think? I think if a man buys me lingerie, I figure he wants to see me in it. He says he bought it because he wanted to be nice and thought she would like it, that they never dated and he never saw her in it. He says not all men are created equal and despite what others may say, his motive wasn't sexual. What are your thoughts?

As you pointed out, in terms of your relationship, this is irrelevant, since it happened before you entered the picture. Also, it's not really a question of appropriate-ness. I just don't get it. As you said, if a male friend is buying me lingerie, at the very least, he is imagining what I look like in it! 

When my platonic male friends have done something nice, they have taken me out for a bite to eat, given me a book (which one could argue also has questionable tendencies- unless I gave it to you, because I have given a lot of books to men whom I didn't want to wear lingerie for, but maybe some of them I did), bought me a drink, taken me to a movie. They have not, however, bought me a bra and panty set. So, yes, you're right. I think it's sort of a creepy/weird thing to do. 

As you can see, I am diligently working my way through all of your questions and next week, I will not be alone! Send any question you may have, about life, love, sex, dating, friendship, Dr. Pepper, polygamy, crustaceans, or anything else. You can use the box on the top right. Have a good week, it's Spring, go make out or something. 



Anonymous said...

Sometimes your kind of harsh.

thetroublewithlisa said...

it's "you're" not your. I'll be back next week to be equally harsh. kisses.