Thursday, April 17, 2014

Ask Erin and Jill!: Don't Shoot the Messengers

I’m back! And I’m not alone. This week, I’m fortunate to have my lovely comrade Jill here, to help me tell you all the things you don’t want to hear. 

Erin: Hey Jill, I’m so excited you agreed to this! How’s that blood moon treating you out there in L.A.?

Jill: I wish I had the pathology to blame the moon for what’s going on in my life right now. 

Erin: Sadly, I do have that pathology. Also, I give you permission to just blame it on Los Angeles. Alright, here we go…


Girls what would you do?
What would you do if your boyfriend's best friend came up to you and said that he had strong feeling for you and you two are good friends?

Erin: Well, I’m operating under the assumption that you are committed to said boyfriend and not interested in the best friend. So this is fairly simple, yet arguably delicate. Tell him your flattered, but that you only think of him as a friend. Remind him that he’s probably confusing romantic feelings with friendship. (Although we know he probably just wants to do it with you.) And, I don’t think it’s necessary to run and tell your boyfriend.

Jill: Well…in theory I agree with you, Erin, but I’m in an angry place right now, so I say go for it. Your boyfriend is probably boring in bed anyway. 

Erin: Yeah, I mean if you want to piss off your boyfriend and potentially destroy one of his friendships, then go for it! Also, if the best friend actually makes a move on you, you’re going to have to handle this differently. Hopefully, this will all pass once you deflate his fantasy. 

Jill: I’d pick your boyfriend’s brain, subtly, about what he’s packing, if you know what I mean. You know all guys have seen their friends naked at some point. 

Erin: As in, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth or something? In re-reading the question, she says “had a strong feeling…” 

Jill: I know, I caught that. Just the one feeling. Can I borrow it? Lemme borrow that feeling. 

Erin: Yes, yes you can. 


I've known this guy for about 4 years now. We chatted on and off a couple of times, but only started to grow closer last October. We both have feelings for each other, and I guess you can say we're dating. To him, it feels like we're already in a relationship, and I feel that way too. The thing is, we aren't officially together yet, so I don't actually have the "girlfriend status" despite the fact that we treat each other like we're a couple. He said he wants to be together with me, but he isn't ready for a relationship yet. He also feels that relationships aren't 100% for him.

So I asked him a couple questions:
1) Whether it feels to him like we're in a relationship already
2) What will be different about us if we were in a relationship compared to how we are now
3) If he answers that there would no difference, what about a relationship with me is he not ready for
4) How long he will take to be ready and certain.

To these questions, he answered:
1) Yes, it feels like we're a couple
2) He doesn't think anything would be different
3) The status of a relationship scares him
4) He doesn't know but I'll be the first to know

I feel that his fear of the status of a relationship might hint at a fear of commitment? There might be more to his unreadiness too, like how it's gonna be a long distance relationship (he said before that he fears we might not meet in the future, but I told him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to meet).

The whole thing with the long distance doesn't bother me at all. I'm a firm (or you could say naive, if you don't believe the same) believer of the idea that love knows no boundaries and transcends time and distance.

Right now, I'm just really unsure of everything and am at a loss of what to do. This issue of him being unready for a relationship has been around for a while. I'm not sure if I should keep waiting for the day he'd be ready for us to be together "officially," or if I should just stop waiting because he might never be ready. Part of me believes that we'll eventually get together and wants to keep waiting; but the other part of me wants to just accept the possibility that we might never be together, and fears the heartbreak and disappointment if he were to come to the decision that he doesn't want us to move to the next level.

Any advice at all would be deeply appreciated.

Jill: I sort of get it. I’ve had romantic feelings for guys I’ve formed online “relationships” with, never taken to another level, or even wanted to. I think it’s always about the fantasy for me, and the sort of feelings involved with just having a crush. I don't believe love transcends. I mean, for all she knows he’s got this online thing going on behind the back of his IRL lover. I’m guessing she’s youngish. 

Erin: She definitely sounds young. I’d say the odds are even money that she sent him the questions in the same way she presented them here. If someone I was dating, IRL or virtually, sent me test style questions to answer, my FB profile might mysteriously disappear. 

Jill: Yeah, there is nothing romantic about being surveyed. 

Erin: It’s the equivalent of asking someone to file emotional taxes, which I haven’t done for years. The Feelings Revenue Service is about 5 minutes away from auditing me. 

Jill: And, I’m gonna say it: real life relationships are hard enough, add distance to the equation and……

Erin: Also, when a guy says, “relationships aren’t 100% for him”- that means “I am totally not committing to you and if I do, I will cheat/it will end in tears.” So, move on young lady! 


A few weeks ago my girlfriend, who works at a bar, was supposed to come over after she got off work and spend the night. At least that was the original plan. She was leaving the following day with friends for a 9-day trip so I was really looking forward to spending some time with her before she left.
I asked her that morning if she was still coming over and she said she hadn't even packed yet so she was going to go home and do that rather than come over.
I went to her work and had a couple beers while she finished her shift. I noticed at one point she made a rather secretive phone call from behind the bar- I didn't ask about it, it just seemed a little out of place.
After she finished her shift, she joined me for a few drinks. About 45 minutes later she got a phone call. After she hung up she came back around and I asked who it was. "None of your business," she said.
That was not only a rude response, but a very uncharacteristic one for her as she has never kept any such information from me previously. Fifteen minutes after that, she finished her drink and said she had to go home. I kissed her goodbye and asked her if I could call her after she got home. She paused but then replied, "Yes."
When we left the parking lot, I was in front of her. When I made the right turn I needed to make she kept going straight, which was not the direction for her to be going to get home.
When I got home, I called. And I continued to call for 2 hours after that. I knew something was up all along due to her behavior, but I was still in shock and disbelief about what I believed to be going on.
I didn't sleep well that night for obvious reasons- and ended up getting up at 4am the next morning and continuing to call. She finally answered at 7:30 and of course I came completely un-glued. She told me that she went to a drugstore to get some things for her trip and then met some friends at a casino (we live in Nevada) and spent the night drinking and gambling. After calling her a cheater, liar and some other choice names she began to cry and kept telling me that her story was true.
I've thought all along that she was lying to me, but I wanted so badly to trust her. But I called her on it again the other day and told her that there was no penalty for telling me the truth but I would go away forever if she lied to me. She is still sticking to her BS story, so I have since moved on as much as that hurt to do.
How do you get someone like this to fess up when all the evidence points to her as cheating? And, am I putting too much energy into this? I still don't want to believe she lied, but with all that has gone on I really can't help it. What do you think?

Jill: Sounds like a witch hunt. And there’s no winning this game. 

Erin: Yes, she is either a total cheater and he should move on, or he is really paranoid and giving us a skewed account of events. Either way, dude, maybe it’s time to get single. 

Jill: The foundation of any relationship is trust.

Erin: Totally, and it doesn’t even matter why it’s not there. If it’s not there, the relationship is doomed. Now, to answer his questions at the end, specifically (How do you get someone like this to fess up when all the evidence points to her as cheating? And, am I putting too much energy into this? I still don't want to believe she lied, but with all that has gone on I really can't help it. What do you think?): You may never get her to fess up, either because this is all in your head or she is a really dedicated liar. Yes, you are putting too much energy into this- either believe her or move on. That is what I think, I just told you. 

Jill: He should just sneak into her phone and look for “evidence.” That seems like the most ethical solution. (And, I should spell out that I’m being sarcastic and- Dude, that is not actually a good idea.) He was probably expecting a more sympathetic response. 

Erin: They all are, Jill. But, you know, that’s not what we’re here for. On that note, Jill, thank you for telling it like it is and bringing the noise with me this week!

Kids, friends, enemies, bitches, dudes, ladies, assholes, lovers….Don’t kill the messengers. You may hate us now, but you’ll love us tomorrow morning. If you have a question for me and my rotating cast of colleagues, please use the form on the top right of the page. All questions will be answered, eventually, your anonymity is golden, and we will always tell you the truth. xoxo

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