I’m back! And I’m not alone. This week, I’m fortunate to have my lovely comrade Jill here, to help me tell you all the things you don’t want to hear.
Erin: Hey Jill, I’m so excited you agreed to this! How’s that blood moon treating you out there in L.A.?
Jill: I wish I had the pathology to blame the moon for what’s going on in my life right now.
Erin: Sadly, I do have that pathology. Also, I give you permission to just blame it on Los Angeles. Alright, here we go…
What would you do if your boyfriend's best friend came up to you and said that he had strong feeling for you and you two are good friends?
Erin: Well, I’m operating under the assumption that you are committed to said boyfriend and not interested in the best friend. So this is fairly simple, yet arguably delicate. Tell him your flattered, but that you only think of him as a friend. Remind him that he’s probably confusing romantic feelings with friendship. (Although we know he probably just wants to do it with you.) And, I don’t think it’s necessary to run and tell your boyfriend.
Jill: Well…in theory I agree with you, Erin, but I’m in an angry place right now, so I say go for it. Your boyfriend is probably boring in bed anyway.
Erin: Yeah, I mean if you want to piss off your boyfriend and potentially destroy one of his friendships, then go for it! Also, if the best friend actually makes a move on you, you’re going to have to handle this differently. Hopefully, this will all pass once you deflate his fantasy.
Jill: I’d pick your boyfriend’s brain, subtly, about what he’s packing, if you know what I mean. You know all guys have seen their friends naked at some point.
Erin: As in, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth or something? In re-reading the question, she says “had a strong feeling…”
Jill: I know, I caught that. Just the one feeling. Can I borrow it? Lemme borrow that feeling.
Erin: Yes, yes you can.
1) Whether it feels to him like we're in a relationship already
2) What will be different about us if we were in a relationship compared to how we are now
3) If he answers that there would no difference, what about a relationship with me is he not ready for
4) How long he will take to be ready and certain.
1) Yes, it feels like we're a couple
2) He doesn't think anything would be different
3) The status of a relationship scares him
4) He doesn't know but I'll be the first to know
Jill: I sort of get it. I’ve had romantic feelings for guys I’ve formed online “relationships” with, never taken to another level, or even wanted to. I think it’s always about the fantasy for me, and the sort of feelings involved with just having a crush. I don't believe love transcends. I mean, for all she knows he’s got this online thing going on behind the back of his IRL lover. I’m guessing she’s youngish.
Erin: She definitely sounds young. I’d say the odds are even money that she sent him the questions in the same way she presented them here. If someone I was dating, IRL or virtually, sent me test style questions to answer, my FB profile might mysteriously disappear.
Jill: Yeah, there is nothing romantic about being surveyed.
Erin: It’s the equivalent of asking someone to file emotional taxes, which I haven’t done for years. The Feelings Revenue Service is about 5 minutes away from auditing me.
Jill: And, I’m gonna say it: real life relationships are hard enough, add distance to the equation and……
Erin: Also, when a guy says, “relationships aren’t 100% for him”- that means “I am totally not committing to you and if I do, I will cheat/it will end in tears.” So, move on young lady!
I asked her that morning if she was still coming over and she said she hadn't even packed yet so she was going to go home and do that rather than come over.
I went to her work and had a couple beers while she finished her shift. I noticed at one point she made a rather secretive phone call from behind the bar- I didn't ask about it, it just seemed a little out of place.
After she finished her shift, she joined me for a few drinks. About 45 minutes later she got a phone call. After she hung up she came back around and I asked who it was. "None of your business," she said.
That was not only a rude response, but a very uncharacteristic one for her as she has never kept any such information from me previously. Fifteen minutes after that, she finished her drink and said she had to go home. I kissed her goodbye and asked her if I could call her after she got home. She paused but then replied, "Yes."
When we left the parking lot, I was in front of her. When I made the right turn I needed to make she kept going straight, which was not the direction for her to be going to get home.
When I got home, I called. And I continued to call for 2 hours after that. I knew something was up all along due to her behavior, but I was still in shock and disbelief about what I believed to be going on.
I didn't sleep well that night for obvious reasons- and ended up getting up at 4am the next morning and continuing to call. She finally answered at 7:30 and of course I came completely un-glued. She told me that she went to a drugstore to get some things for her trip and then met some friends at a casino (we live in Nevada) and spent the night drinking and gambling. After calling her a cheater, liar and some other choice names she began to cry and kept telling me that her story was true.
I've thought all along that she was lying to me, but I wanted so badly to trust her. But I called her on it again the other day and told her that there was no penalty for telling me the truth but I would go away forever if she lied to me. She is still sticking to her BS story, so I have since moved on as much as that hurt to do.
How do you get someone like this to fess up when all the evidence points to her as cheating? And, am I putting too much energy into this? I still don't want to believe she lied, but with all that has gone on I really can't help it. What do you think?
Jill: Sounds like a witch hunt. And there’s no winning this game.
Erin: Yes, she is either a total cheater and he should move on, or he is really paranoid and giving us a skewed account of events. Either way, dude, maybe it’s time to get single.
Jill: The foundation of any relationship is trust.
Jill: He should just sneak into her phone and look for “evidence.” That seems like the most ethical solution. (And, I should spell out that I’m being sarcastic and- Dude, that is not actually a good idea.) He was probably expecting a more sympathetic response.
Erin: They all are, Jill. But, you know, that’s not what we’re here for. On that note, Jill, thank you for telling it like it is and bringing the noise with me this week!
Kids, friends, enemies, bitches, dudes, ladies, assholes, lovers….Don’t kill the messengers. You may hate us now, but you’ll love us tomorrow morning. If you have a question for me and my rotating cast of colleagues, please use the form on the top right of the page. All questions will be answered, eventually, your anonymity is golden, and we will always tell you the truth. xoxo