Thursday, April 10, 2014

Ask Erin!: Telling You All the Things You Don't Want to Hear


It's only me this week and I am exhausted just reading your questions. Here goes nothing...


Q:

Ok- Facebook etiquette question. I'm confused. My ex gives me the marriage ultimate and dumps me after I tell her I want more time. This is after 15 months or so together. There was a previous 3 week breakup at 10 months because she felt I wasn't talking about marriage yet, etc. as well. We break up (hard for me) and become Facebook friends per her request months later, I accept. I barely use FB, she's on it almost daily posting. She knows that I'm rarely on and never post. Maybe 1.5 years go bye, I don't think either of us have entered a serious relationship yet. So now, she facebook messages me that her sister had a baby and asks how I'm doing. We facebook message back and forth 5 or 6 times over the next weeks, friendly texts, talkinabout old times. I'm not in town at the time. I start thinking she might be interested in me but am nervous about getting back together.

Three months go bye, I'm thinking Ill FB message and see how she's doing, (ill be back in town soon) see a few posts that make me think she's moved places etc. i just text, how are you? What I was up to, told her ill be back in town, asked how she and fam are? Etc. She texts back with just the thumbs up sign, nothing else. Then I go through her facebook "wall" and I see flowers she's received, new guy, looks like she's moved in with him, maybe.

She has every right to find new guy, but I'm pissed right now. I find the thumbs up sign rude when she was messaging me just a few months earlier. I know that when we were together she kept in touch with Exs, why not just politely message "I've got new guy" I also wonder now that I see FB pics of her and new guy, if she was trying to make me jealous or something. Is it proper etiquette to make new boyfriend posts viewable to old boyfriend.

Should I feel manipulated? This seems at minimum rude, to me? Did she expect me to look at every post she made and analyze them? I'm moving on but feel pissed off at her for getting me thinking of her again and then sending what I think is rude response. I know I should move on forget her. Etc. what I'm really wondering now is how manipulated and rude this was?


A:

Please know that what I'm about to say, I say with love. 

Wow. First, I want to know what a marriage ultimate is. Does it have anything to do with the wrestler that just died? Is it a matrimonial sandwich? I assume you meant ultimatum. The word usage/spelling/grammar in these emails is really scaring me. 

But, I digress. Dude, you could win an award in the I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND I OVERTHINK EVERYTHING contest. She messaged you, 5 or 6 times, on Facebook. From what you say, she didn't indicate she wanted to get back together or was even remotely thinking about it.  This made you "nervous about getting back together." Really, you really went there in your head? In the 2 years-ish since you broke up, she has moved on. It is totally normal that she would check in, say hi, be friendly, without that meaning she wants to rekindle your defunct romance. 

Now, after stewing on the possibility of getting back together for 3 months, you message her and she responds with a thumbs up. Sometimes, when I am bombarded with too many questions or too much information or a question I don't want to answer or a conversation I don't want to engage in, I may send a thumbs up. But, sometimes, it's just a thumbs up (People I know in real life, please don't start analyzing my use overuse of the thumbs up.)

Now, you're pissed because she probably has a boyfriend and you think she has somehow constructed all of these posts to stick it to you? 

"Did she expect me to look at every post she made and analyze them?"  No! But, that's what you did!! Please, I implore you to let--it--go. 

I am far more concerned with your mental health than with her Facebook etiquette. Also, maybe you should talk to a licensed therapist. I'm not being bitchy, I am serious. It sounds like you spend a lot of time conjecturing what is going on in other people's heads. That is a futile exercise, one that will surely drive you mad. 




Q:

My friend has been dating her bf for two years. He appears to truly love her, and he is affectionate with her - even in public. So, here is her deal. She started getting suspicious about his behavior: being late for dates, sneaky with his phone, and he has started turning the ringer off on his phone any time they are together. She has not caught him cheating, but her gut feeling is that there is something going on.

She did a search for him online, just to see if anything would show up. His name showed up as a member of a chat site. It wasn't private, so she could see all of his "friends" that he is connected too. Every friend was female, and several live overseas. He had recently updated his online photo too.

Would you think this is harmless or a red flag to their relationship? I told her there is no reason for him to be on an online chat site, chatting with random women if he is dating her. Thoughts?


A:

Yes, these are all red flags. Your "friend" sounds fairly sane, so her gut feeling is the first indication that something is off. Ladies (and gentlemen), you know when we're being lied to, and spending all your time constructing possible explanations of your partner's behavior is usually just an intricate way of stubbornly staying in denial. 

I assume the chat site was not something harmless like Llama Owners of America. You are right, there is no reason for him to be chatting with female strangers online. Sketchy, sketchy, sketchy. She should save herself the inevitable heartbreak and get single. 


Q:

So this guy and I have been flirting back and forth for a while and he finally asked me out. We've since been on 4 dates. This past weekend he spent the night at my place. Here's the "catch" he had surgery Tuesday. So how long should I wait for him to call me and it be because of the surgery and not be being blown off??

A:

Bitch, YOU call him and ask him how he's doing post-surgery! You did not mention the type of surgery, but most people, both ladies and dues, would appreciate it if the person they've started seeing called or sent a text to say "Hey! I know you just had surgery, how's that going?"

Get off this waiting for him to reach out thing. Checking in on him post-surgery is the right thing to do and not stalker-y/breaking those stupid "rules"/or anything else. 

So, you're not going to know if he's blowing you off until after you  check in with him, but at least you'll know you did the right thing. 


This concludes yet another week of doling out questionable advice. You may not like what you hear, but that's not my problem. It may sound harsh, but it truly is for your own good. If you have a question, use the form on the top right of the page. I promise that all questions will be answered, with some care, eventually, by me alone, or with Lisa, or Louie, or one of my other shifty pals. Until next time! xoxo


3 comments:

Greta said...

Thursdays are me new favorite day thanks to you. These people clearly need your help!

Anonymous said...

these people make me feel better about my life. so there's that.

Anonymous said...

that girl in #3 is bonkers. 'sure you just had surgery, but why haven't you called me!!'