I can say with confidence that I am happier now in my life than ever before. This is a clear and true fact. My present happiness does not however always blot out the past. Sometimes, when I least expect it, old wounds open up and I feel forgotten pains again.
Grief has a way of leaving tiny fragments behind in our cells. And that grief can resurface in altered, and arguably diluted, ways later on. Maybe it's like the theories about LSD flashbacks. I don't know.
What I do know is that when I'm working, and by working I mean writing, which often involves delving into the past, I occasionally trip an old grief switch inside me. And, the sadness and the loss and the ache comes back, temporarily.
This usually makes me cry. Today was one of those days. Following a particularly productive writing session, I felt overwhelmed with malaise which turned into a prickly sensation of grief which led to me sitting on the floor and crying.
Then I decided to make myself feel even better by listening to I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got, which FYI is still a really good fucking album. But, it may have added to my nostalgia wallowing.
As the sun went down and evening settled in, I carried the leftover dull pangs of what I felt earlier. I thought maybe I could blame it on the blood moon, maybe I could blame it on April, maybe I could blame it on reverse seasonal affective disorder (You know, when it's finally Spring and the weather is marvelous and somehow that's a little depressing...).
Maybe I should just allow myself to acknowledge the past, without minimizing it, without distancing myself from it through writing (which is really what I do best), without denying it in spite of the life I now have.
Anyone else blaming it on the blood moon?
Fun Fact/Full Disclosure: This was the last song on a sad/angry mixtape given to me by someone who meant a lot, who died. We never really made up and I have always regretted that.
*For EJB 3/12/71- 2/22/95