Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: Lesbian Longings, Goatees, and Phone Sex

AND.......We're back! 

Erin: Hey Lisa Lisa, how you doing? 

Lisa: hey erin, i'm hanging on by a thread. you know, the usual lisa limmons. drinking coffee, looking out my window, and i've already seen 5 teslas go by.

Erin: Thank God you've had coffee! Also, yes, I know the usual Lisa Limmons, oh so well. You ready?

Lisa: yeah bitch, let's do this.


Please help! This is going to be lengthy but I really need advice - how do I get over this straight girl crush?

My feelings have subsided a bit since the crush materialized about a year ago but part of it is still there. I've had a terrible crush on another woman but there's no way I would ever be with her. We are in completely different stages in life. She's 42, married to a man and they have three kids together (one minor, two adults). I'm 24, single with no kids and starting out as a young professional. I'm a lesbian, but I'm feminine and I haven't told her my sexuality. To be honest, I think she could be bisexual but I'm not really sure.

We met through work. She has flirted a few times in the past, but I think it's just a part of her personality. For example:

She's told me that if she ever leaves her husband it'll be for another woman

I've noticed her long glances at me (like when I'm looking at a menu or watching tv). When I asked her what's up she didn't say anything

She insisted we sleep in the bed together although I offered to take the couch (nothing happened of course)

She once called me at work to chat and told me she didn't have panties on (wth!). We fell into a giggle-fest but who does that?

In a different phone call, she told me her husband was coming in town for the weekend and asked did I want to have an orgy (***!) I just laughed it off and acted like it was a joke (still don't know if she was joking or not. Either way it didn't happen)

She just moved out this week, but previously for about six months she was staying in my second bedroom three days a week since she travels for work. On her last night here, we again slept in the same bed. I slept on my side facing away from her. After awhile I felt her move her leg against mine. Now mind you, we've slept together countless times before and we've never made physical contact. Every time I consciously slept far away from her b/c I know I'm attracted to her and didn't want to put myself through the torture.

Again nothing happened, but it was a complete mind-f**k. I wanted to climb on top of her, kiss her and feel her inside of me.

I thought that when she moved out it would be a victory for me - I thought I'd keep my integrity, put distance between us and move on with her out of sight and out of mind, but we still have lots of contact.

We went to lunch together yesterday, and at the end I told her that I would be under the radar for a while. She asked "what do you mean, towards me?" I told her yes and she got very upset and sent me a scathing email about me leaving people who have been there for me. Then she basically called and told me she's not going anywhere.

So I don't know what to do. I don't want to come out to her because I'm not confident she'll keep it to herself. I don't want to tell her the reason I can't be around her is because I'm crushing hard (it'll be nothing more than an ego boost for her).

I think what attracted me to her was the 'forbidden nature' of this friendship. She's not technically my boss, but she is the manager of my career development program and could get in trouble if anyone found out she was staying here.

I need help in avoiding her. I need the distance. When she's not here for vacation or travel my feelings subside but when she comes back and we're in contact my feelings swell up again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much for reading.


Lisa: this question has totally creeped me out and i feel like i need to take a shower. 

Erin: Alright, first things first. Your instinct to back away from this toxic person is spot on. DO NOT allow her in your bed, second bedroom, or panty-less on the phone. She may or may not be bi-sexual, but she is clearly abusing her "maturity" and senior position to her advantage. She may not be aware that she is doing it, which is even scarier. 

Lisa: i totally agree with everything you said, erin. but, as for this girl, i want to entourage her to come out of the closet and be who she really is. i'm more concerned that she's hiding who she is than with this creepy manager bitch. 

Erin: Yes, coming out of the closet will actually give you way more power than you have now. She is a 42 year old woman with a U-Haul full of baggage. You deserve a woman who is honest and ready to love you.


I know that everyone is different but ladies, do you like guys with facial hair or clean shaven? If you like facial hair on guys what sort do you like? Goa-tees, moustache, beard, unshaven stubble etc etc.... Thanks


Erin: I think it depends on the face. However, I am not down with the goatee. I have never been down with the goatee, not even during the height of its popularity in the mid-90's, and you know how much I fucking love the 90's! 

Lisa: i prefer men with facial hair, especially a beard. i like the way it feels all over my body. secondly, unless you are shaggy from scooby-doo and rocking a tribal tattoo around your arm, let's skip the goatee, shall we? 

Erin: But, if you have a beard, keep it clean. I don't want to find a piece of last night's pot roast lingering near your chin. And if you sport the stubble, be warned that a make out sesh may end in a lady with a terrible rash across her pretty face. 


I think my man wants to leave me.
Can guys really have female friends? I have been dating the love of my life for 10 months now but i get the feeling he is having phone sex with his "so-called" friends. I know he used to do it in the past but he told me he stopped but i dont believe him. Can that really lead to something else, Is he cheating on me? Sometimes he gives me attitdude for no reason and I tell him "U are giving attitude to the person who is there for u th most". I give him whatever he needs, love, friendship, someone to cry on, etc. I think I am being the best girlfriend to him but i dont get the same graditude back from him. I dont know what to do, he makes me feel good about myself but then at the same time he makes me feel like crap. I cant see my world without him in it.


Lisa: i think your man is cheating on you, yes. if someone gives you attitude for no reason, that's a red flag. 

Erin: Yes, a guy can really have female friends. But, not all men can. Who the fuck has phone sex anymore? What are we, stuck in 1999?  But, I digress. Like I tell many, many, many people who write in for advice, RUN! This sounds like a shitty relationship, regardless of wether or not he is actually still talking dirty with his "so-called" friends. Don't accept attitude (or "attidude"- which by the way I am totally implementing in my vocab, so thank you for that!) from anyone you're in a relationship with. It's so not worth your time to remain in situations like this. 

Lisa: like i said before, how you feel is an indicator of which direction you should be moving. it sounds like this relationship doesn't make you feel good. i can see your world without him in it, and your future looks bright. also, choose better next time, bitch. 

Phew! I think we're done, bitch. Until next time, have fun, be safe, use a condom! If you have a question, use the form on the top right of the page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

"It's sad, believe me, when you realize that the distressing things by far overweigh the beautiful things you feel."

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of revisiting a film I had not scene in 15-ish years (and for the first time, on the big screen), Rainer Werner Fassbinder's The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant

I first discovered Fassbinder in the way I discovered many things, through my childhood obsession with Andy Warhol. In 6th grade, my mom bought me a framed Warhol poster for Fassbinder's Querelle, which was based on Jean Genet's novel, Querelle of Brest. 

The poster....

(which is debatably suitable for an 11 year old, but I love that my mom bought it for me)

However, I digress....Petra. 

The entire film takes place in essentially one room. The film centers around Petra, a fashion designer and her obsession with Karin, her muse. 

I think my favorite character, however, is Marlene, her assistant/love slave. (Who doesn't say one word during the entire film, but is brilliant!)

No one can set up a shot the way Fassbinder can. See it for the costumes (and music) (and wigs!!) alone. If you are lucky enough to live somewhere where you can see it on the big screen, do so. (New Yorkers- the Fassbinder retrospective is still going on this week at Lincoln Center.) 

And a few clips....

Thursday, May 22, 2014

I Only Have Tears For You

Sorry, folks, no Ask Erin! (or Ask Erin and Lisa!) this week. I can summarize the advice I probably would have given- "Run. Get some therapy. They're never going to commit." 

Instead, I bring you tears....

Tears of Change

Onion Tears

Tears of Grief

Tears of Ending and Beginning

Photographer Rose-Lynn Fisher used her lens to photograph and study 100 tears in her project, Topography of Tears. Now, I am (or my inner narcissist is) obsessed with wondering what my tears look like. 

I think this may be the soundtrack to my tears, at least today. 

P.S. I am totally not sad, but you know there's a lot of sad stuff around, and sometimes it makes me cry. 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: Dizzying Questions, Erin Has Jet Lag, and Lisa Needs Coffee

We're back! (And a day late, but who cares?)

Erin: Hey bitch, how’s it going?

Lisa: hey bitch, i’m a brunette again. went and got that shit did yesterday. what’s going on with you, erin?

Erin: I’m still shaking off the jet lag and ghosts of Paris, but I’m ready to delve into this week’s questions. 

Lisa: yeah, i’m fired up and ready to go. 





Lisa: g, i’m a hard ass when it comes to this sort of thing (cheating). so, therefore, my answer will not be loosey-goosey and i will not mince my words. if my husband or boyfriend kissed someone else, i’d want to know. 

Erin: Do you really think that a kiss would lead to divorce? I mean, it wasn’t cool, don't get me wrong, but it seems like jumping to divorce based on one kiss is a little drastic. This makes me wonder if you are using the word kissed as a euphemism for fucked. After all, in French, the word baiser can mean both to kiss or to bang. 

Lisa: ok, erin, let’s not take this one all the way to paris. look dude, you did it, so man up and tell her. it’s her decision how she reacts and what she chooses to do. i was cheated on, and i presume it started with “just a kiss.” i call total bullshit on this. 

Erin: I think Lisa is on to something there, because usually a kiss like that is preceded by all levels of emotional cheating. If you are really committed to this woman and sincerely honest that this will never happen again, then maybe you should keep your mouth shut, which I know Lisa does not agree with. Like Lisa, I would want to know. But, there are many people who would rather not know in the case of an isolated minor indiscretion. You know your wife, I don’t. In any event, you better take a good, long, hard, look at your behavior and motives. At the end of the day, you fucked up. We all have, but the important thing is that it never happens again. 


So been dating this guy for 5 months now. He's brought up marriage and how he wants to spend his life with me only but he gets random slutty women like half dressed stripper like women leaving comments and likes on his page. It has our pic up as his profile pic and he says just friends? I don't have a issue with him having girls as friends. I have more male friends then girls but they have their clothes on. Should I feel as if he's talking to them behind my back because other wise why would they even respond to anything he has to say? I'm not sure how to handle this but I do know it's causing stress for our relationship! I've have nothing against strippers by the way...been to strip clubs myself just don't like the fact they feel the need to make comments to him and after this long why do they unless he's talking to them also? Need some input!!!! Help…


Erin: The internet is a strange and confusing place, especially for relationships. Things are soooooo easily confused and misinterpreted online. There are many, many stripper-y women, or at least computer generated versions, on FB, instagram, twitter, etc. Who knows if they’re even real. The point is, he has no control over what other people comment on or “like” online. That being said, if he is engaging in inappropriate ways, then you fully have a right to express your discontent. The rest of it, ignore, it’s stupid and not based in reality. 

Lisa: look, the guy i’m dating has a lot of chick friends, too. i don’t really take issue with it, because i trust him and it doesn’t make me feel weird. however, if i started seeing him interacting with half naked strippers, that wouldn’t make me feel good, and i would express that to him. at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel within this relationship. if you feel good, proceed. if you don't feel good, that's something to look at. 

Erin: Yes, no one should be in a relationship that makes them feel badly all the time, or even part of the time. But, again, with all that online shit, don’t fill in the blanks, bitch! 


A few years back I was involved in a serious relationship with a guy we'll call "B". My best friend whom we'll call "V" and I have been friends since the eighth grade and are now thirty three. When I was involved with "B" we found it to be extremely pleasant that our boyfriends got along so well and formed a friendship of their own. "B" and I broke up about a year into the relationship and "V" and her boyfriend have been on again off again ever since. When I was engaged "B" would try to get me to sleep with him and cheat on my fiancee. I am now married and moved cross country. After I was married, even though he was with a long-term girlfriend girlfriend, "B" even came on to "V" saying that he'd "always been soooo attracted to her." "V"s boyfriend, and even "V" herself, continued a friendship with "B". (He is most likely unaware of "B"s futile attempt to bed "V") Tonight when I called "V"'s cell phone I asked her where she was and she explained that her and her boyfriend were over at "B" and his girlfriend's house, and proceeded to rush me off of the phone to avoid being rude. I am absolutely certain that there is nothing romantic going on between the two of them but can't help but feel a little betrayed. I am fully aware that I live on the other side of the country. I don't expect my best friend to sit home waiting for me to visit every night. I just feel like there are so many other people she could hang out with... Why my ex? Isn't there some kind of "Thou Shalt Not Be Friends With My Ex" rule in the best friend by-laws? And would she appreciate if her boyfriend took her to a girl's house that had tried to get her to sleep with him? (even though this happened during an off again phase in her relationship.) I know there's a "Thou Shalt Not Try To Sleep With My Ex-Girlfriend Without My Express Permission" in the by-laws of friendship. Am I being selfish for feeling my friend should avoid "B" simply because their friendship makes me uncomfortable? PLEASE HELP!!!!


Lisa: erin, i haven’t had any coffee yet. can you give me the cliffsnotes version of this question, please? i’m very overwhelmed. 

Erin: At first, I was tempted to copy edit the poor grammar in this question. However, I was soon too dizzy from keeping track of “B” and “V” and their significant boyfriends, girlfriends, and exes. Holy shit woman, couldn’t you have at least picked initials that didn’t sound so similar? Alright Lisa, here is my attempt at summary: This bitch is mad that her friend hangs with her ex. She says it’s because of some “Thou shalt…” bullshit. However, she’s clearly just pissed that he wanted to fuck her friend. Also, she lives across the country. Why is she so stuck in this other place and time? 

Lisa: you know, if my best friend was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, it would probably bug me too. however, the world is full of wonderful people, find friends that are more in line with your belief system. and leave what belongs in the past in the past. 

Erin: But, Lisa, they were all friends before. It’s not like she suddenly struck up a friendship with “B” after the breakup. I’ve stayed friends many times with both parties post-breakup, because we were all friends before. 

Lisa: erin, i only hold a lowly bachelor of science degree, and i didn’t really understand this question. so, yeah, you’re probably more likely right. 

Erin: Moral of the story is- please, try to write questions that do not make our heads spin and get your lame brain in the present. The past is the past. 

Alright, Lisa, we did it, despite your lack of coffee and my lingering jet lag. If you have a question, please use the box on the top right of the page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. 


Thursday, May 8, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: The Truth Hurts (NSFW because we use the f-word a lot. Sorry.)

We're back!

Erin: Hey Lisa, last week was a much needed break. I feel ready to conquer these (sometimes tedious) questions. How you doing?

Lisa: i’ve somewhat recovered from my existential breakdown a couple of weeks ago and fell asleep at 10 last night , watching the daily show. so, it’s good times over here with lisa limmons. 

Erin: Lisa, I can always count on you to be wildin’ out. Shall we?

Lisa: yes, we shall. 


I matched this guy on the Tinder dating app but he is actually an old friend of mine I haven't seen in a while..
My guess is he recognized me also but he has not messaged me & I have not messaged him.
We have not seen each other in a couple years but I really would like to message him.. I am just nervous about it.

Should I message him? Is a girl making the first move weird on Tinder?! Please help


Erin: lisa, you go first on this one, you've got the Tinder experience under your belt. 

Lisa: first of all, i fucking hate tinder and i’m so glad i have a boyfriend and i’m not subjected to that online dating hell anymore. 

Erin: Yeah, I have never Tinder-ed but does Tinder etiquette matter? Is it a thing? 

Lisa: ok, tinder eitiquette does matter, erin. and i guess my question for this chick would be, what do you want from this guy? if you want to reconnect as a friend, sure, message him. if you want a boyfriend, wait for him to message you.

Erin: That sounds about right to me. Men are (usually) fairly simple. If he was interested in you romantically/sexually, I feel you would have heard form him by now. Sorry. :-( 
Let’s get to the next question, because it’s going to take us about 3 years to read it. 


I have never submitted a question for advice before. I've always imagined myself as having clear judgement with men, but this one has me so clouded, I'm not even sure how to navigate it. His name is Jack (name changed for anonymity) and to say that I am probably in love with him is an understatement. I've known him for four years, off and on. He works near my work and on one random day, he saw me and my heart was instantaneously a goner. The only trouble was that at the time we flirted and he asked me out, I was engaged to be married a month later. Three years have gone by, and I have now separated. I had met him again, working at the same place. He remembered me and soon we became Facebook friends again, swapped numbers and talked for hours on end every day.
About two months into us talking, he vanished into thin air. Over the course of last year, our romance was on and off. It would be very consistent, very heated and just as rapidly it would be as if we were nothing more then strangers. I had found out later on it, he would date me when he and his long-time girlfriend had broken up. They had been together for years, and according to him, she is focused more on having fun and sleeping around than wanting a serious commitment, like he wants.
About three months ago, while I was dating another man, Jack had resurfaced. He spoke about how I wasn't in love with this man and that he regretted kissing me, and I asked point blank why he does this to me. He says all these wonderful things, I fall for him again, and then he's gone. He said that he and his ex were done for good, and that she cheated on him one too many times. We hung out all the time. I broke up with the other guy, as well, and for once with him, my trust was beginning to venture back onto the scene.
To describe Jack to you could take a hundred years. He's everything I want. After being married to an abusive man who didn't share any of my goals or dreams, Jack wants the life I want. He wants to be serious. He wants to become a father and a husband. He is a very hard-worker, and has worked himself up to running his branch, and his promotions are only bound to keep increasing. He's financially secure, opens up the car door for me and overall, respects me as a woman. On paper, he's everything that's right. But there are problems.
It seems that the two of us always have bad timing. When I want to be with him, he's taken by somebody else and vice versa. A part of me wishes I had never married my ex-husband, because maybe the two of us would be together. He would have never met her, and we wouldn't be in this rut where he claims he can see us together, but he's nowhere near ready to date exclusively again. It's been about two and a half weeks since I've last seen him, and I feel the vibe between us fading away. When I told him I felt like I was receiving mixed signals from him, he did nothing but apologize. When I said that I just want him to be around, he replied that he does as well. I thought he'd leave, but he didn't.
My question is one I hope can be answered: will he date me? For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now? When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else? I know that's probably impossible to answer, considering you don't know me or him, but, I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait? I've waited four years to be happy again when it comes to love. There is a part of me, that even though I sometimes feel like I should let go, I know I'm not ready to yet.


Erin: Oh, Lovesick, I would like to congratulate you for writing the longest question in Ask Erin and Lisa!’s history. Wow, you’ve given us a lot of time lines- 4 years, 3 years, 1 month, 2 weeks, a year. I feel that the easiest way to break down what you're asking is to adress the specific questions you asked at the end. 

  1. “Will he date me?”- Yes, he will date you, but he will likely never commit
  2. “For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now?”- Yes, you are a rebound and an “in-between-er”, aka the one you fuck in between relationships. 
  3. "When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else?" -Yes, just not you.
  4. ” I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait?”- Not this fucking long. 

Lisa: i understand why your judgement is so clouded with this one, sister. “jack” has been running you around in circles for so long that you are foggy-headed from his continual fucked up mixed signals. further, i dated a verbally abusive guy and it took a big toll on my self-esteem which i can see has happened to you, as well. so, my advice to you is this: NO WAITING. get busy with your life, be kind to yourself, and get in to therapy. 

Erin: Yes, therapy, girlfriend. "Jack" is as bad for you as your ex-husband was. This is an opportunity to look at the patterns in your life and the people you are attracted to. This is not love. This is drama and when we are not emotionally healthy, drama can trick us into thinking it is love. I would also like to add that when I was emotionally unhealthy, I was “Jack," and I would've steered you away from me, too. He also needs therapy, but that’s really not my problem, and it definitely shouldn't be yours. Move on, get some therapy, find a man who TRULY wants the same things you do, because this loser clearly does not. 

Lisa: amen, erin. 


Whilst Googling a friend (yes someone I have feelings for but that is history) I came across some explicit images that a girl had posted. Should I tell him about this site (and have to fess up to how I came across it) so he can do something about it, or just leave it be….?


Lisa: this has sent shivers up my spine, because i know there are some “photographs” of me out there that i would die if anyone, other than the intended recipient, saw. 

Erin: If this dude is your friend, you should probably tell him. Is there a way to tell him you found the site, without specifically fess-ing up to your internet stalking? Wouldn’t you want to know if the situation was reversed? 

Lisa: i think you should tell him, for sure. i don’t think you need to get in to how you found them, or any shit like that. 

Well, that’s a wrap. By the time this post goes live, I will be on a plane headed to Paris, but Lisa and I will be back next week to wade through the messy, messy, messy problems of your lives. Have a question? Use the box on the top right of the page. As always, your anonymity is golden and we will answer your question, eventually, and with (some) care. xoxo

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Reset Yourself (Or my recent mantra, whatever.)

Sometimes you (and by you, I mean, I) just need a reset. 

Maybe you reset yourself with running alone or eating copious amounts of Chinese food or doing a juice cleanse or getting smashed or doing yoga or hiking upstate or getting lost in the desert or having casual sex or having meaningful sex or cleaning your house or letting your house get dirty or reading a book or watching any and all episodes of every Real Housewives franchise....

Or maybe you listen to a lot of music and take a break. Maybe you take a break with songs you've heard 1000 times before or maybe you find some new tunes to zone out with....

I don't know anything about this band and I cannot remember where I found this/heard of them, but I'm feeling their "Premonitions."

And another one I know nothing about (Club Kuru). 

Lastly, I am sort of obsessed with this young Brit. I just want to lay on some beach and listen to this over and over. So, yeah....

Ooh, she's so over me, she's so cold.... (You know that's going to be stuck in your head all day.)