Friday, May 16, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: Dizzying Questions, Erin Has Jet Lag, and Lisa Needs Coffee


We're back! (And a day late, but who cares?)




Erin: Hey bitch, how’s it going?

Lisa: hey bitch, i’m a brunette again. went and got that shit did yesterday. what’s going on with you, erin?

Erin: I’m still shaking off the jet lag and ghosts of Paris, but I’m ready to delve into this week’s questions. 

Lisa: yeah, i’m fired up and ready to go. 




Q.

I RECENTLY MADE A BIG MISTAKE. I KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN. I HAVE BEEN RACKED WITH GUILT EVER SINCE. I TOLD THE OTHER WOMAN THAT NO RELATIONSHIP IS POSSIBLE AS I AM HAPPILY MARRIED. MY CONSCIENCE TELLS ME THAT I SHOULD COME CLEAN TO MY WIFE, BUT THIS WOULD DEVASTATE HER AND WOULD NO DOUBT LEAD TO DIVORCE. SHOULD I TELL HER? THE OBVIOUS ANSWER IS "NO", WHY RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP. WE HAVE A STRONG MARRIAGE. I JUST SCREWED UP. HELP!!!

THANKS
G

A.

Lisa: g, i’m a hard ass when it comes to this sort of thing (cheating). so, therefore, my answer will not be loosey-goosey and i will not mince my words. if my husband or boyfriend kissed someone else, i’d want to know. 

Erin: Do you really think that a kiss would lead to divorce? I mean, it wasn’t cool, don't get me wrong, but it seems like jumping to divorce based on one kiss is a little drastic. This makes me wonder if you are using the word kissed as a euphemism for fucked. After all, in French, the word baiser can mean both to kiss or to bang. 

Lisa: ok, erin, let’s not take this one all the way to paris. look dude, you did it, so man up and tell her. it’s her decision how she reacts and what she chooses to do. i was cheated on, and i presume it started with “just a kiss.” i call total bullshit on this. 

Erin: I think Lisa is on to something there, because usually a kiss like that is preceded by all levels of emotional cheating. If you are really committed to this woman and sincerely honest that this will never happen again, then maybe you should keep your mouth shut, which I know Lisa does not agree with. Like Lisa, I would want to know. But, there are many people who would rather not know in the case of an isolated minor indiscretion. You know your wife, I don’t. In any event, you better take a good, long, hard, look at your behavior and motives. At the end of the day, you fucked up. We all have, but the important thing is that it never happens again. 




Q.

So been dating this guy for 5 months now. He's brought up marriage and how he wants to spend his life with me only but he gets random slutty women like half dressed stripper like women leaving comments and likes on his page. It has our pic up as his profile pic and he says just friends? I don't have a issue with him having girls as friends. I have more male friends then girls but they have their clothes on. Should I feel as if he's talking to them behind my back because other wise why would they even respond to anything he has to say? I'm not sure how to handle this but I do know it's causing stress for our relationship! I've have nothing against strippers by the way...been to strip clubs myself just don't like the fact they feel the need to make comments to him and after this long why do they unless he's talking to them also? Need some input!!!! Help…

A.

Erin: The internet is a strange and confusing place, especially for relationships. Things are soooooo easily confused and misinterpreted online. There are many, many stripper-y women, or at least computer generated versions, on FB, instagram, twitter, etc. Who knows if they’re even real. The point is, he has no control over what other people comment on or “like” online. That being said, if he is engaging in inappropriate ways, then you fully have a right to express your discontent. The rest of it, ignore, it’s stupid and not based in reality. 

Lisa: look, the guy i’m dating has a lot of chick friends, too. i don’t really take issue with it, because i trust him and it doesn’t make me feel weird. however, if i started seeing him interacting with half naked strippers, that wouldn’t make me feel good, and i would express that to him. at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel within this relationship. if you feel good, proceed. if you don't feel good, that's something to look at. 

Erin: Yes, no one should be in a relationship that makes them feel badly all the time, or even part of the time. But, again, with all that online shit, don’t fill in the blanks, bitch! 



Q.

A few years back I was involved in a serious relationship with a guy we'll call "B". My best friend whom we'll call "V" and I have been friends since the eighth grade and are now thirty three. When I was involved with "B" we found it to be extremely pleasant that our boyfriends got along so well and formed a friendship of their own. "B" and I broke up about a year into the relationship and "V" and her boyfriend have been on again off again ever since. When I was engaged "B" would try to get me to sleep with him and cheat on my fiancee. I am now married and moved cross country. After I was married, even though he was with a long-term girlfriend girlfriend, "B" even came on to "V" saying that he'd "always been soooo attracted to her." "V"s boyfriend, and even "V" herself, continued a friendship with "B". (He is most likely unaware of "B"s futile attempt to bed "V") Tonight when I called "V"'s cell phone I asked her where she was and she explained that her and her boyfriend were over at "B" and his girlfriend's house, and proceeded to rush me off of the phone to avoid being rude. I am absolutely certain that there is nothing romantic going on between the two of them but can't help but feel a little betrayed. I am fully aware that I live on the other side of the country. I don't expect my best friend to sit home waiting for me to visit every night. I just feel like there are so many other people she could hang out with... Why my ex? Isn't there some kind of "Thou Shalt Not Be Friends With My Ex" rule in the best friend by-laws? And would she appreciate if her boyfriend took her to a girl's house that had tried to get her to sleep with him? (even though this happened during an off again phase in her relationship.) I know there's a "Thou Shalt Not Try To Sleep With My Ex-Girlfriend Without My Express Permission" in the by-laws of friendship. Am I being selfish for feeling my friend should avoid "B" simply because their friendship makes me uncomfortable? PLEASE HELP!!!!

A.

Lisa: erin, i haven’t had any coffee yet. can you give me the cliffsnotes version of this question, please? i’m very overwhelmed. 

Erin: At first, I was tempted to copy edit the poor grammar in this question. However, I was soon too dizzy from keeping track of “B” and “V” and their significant boyfriends, girlfriends, and exes. Holy shit woman, couldn’t you have at least picked initials that didn’t sound so similar? Alright Lisa, here is my attempt at summary: This bitch is mad that her friend hangs with her ex. She says it’s because of some “Thou shalt…” bullshit. However, she’s clearly just pissed that he wanted to fuck her friend. Also, she lives across the country. Why is she so stuck in this other place and time? 

Lisa: you know, if my best friend was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, it would probably bug me too. however, the world is full of wonderful people, find friends that are more in line with your belief system. and leave what belongs in the past in the past. 

Erin: But, Lisa, they were all friends before. It’s not like she suddenly struck up a friendship with “B” after the breakup. I’ve stayed friends many times with both parties post-breakup, because we were all friends before. 

Lisa: erin, i only hold a lowly bachelor of science degree, and i didn’t really understand this question. so, yeah, you’re probably more likely right. 

Erin: Moral of the story is- please, try to write questions that do not make our heads spin and get your lame brain in the present. The past is the past. 




Alright, Lisa, we did it, despite your lack of coffee and my lingering jet lag. If you have a question, please use the box on the top right of the page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

xoxo


1 comment:

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