Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: Lesbian Longings, Goatees, and Phone Sex

AND.......We're back! 

Erin: Hey Lisa Lisa, how you doing? 

Lisa: hey erin, i'm hanging on by a thread. you know, the usual lisa limmons. drinking coffee, looking out my window, and i've already seen 5 teslas go by.

Erin: Thank God you've had coffee! Also, yes, I know the usual Lisa Limmons, oh so well. You ready?

Lisa: yeah bitch, let's do this.


Please help! This is going to be lengthy but I really need advice - how do I get over this straight girl crush?

My feelings have subsided a bit since the crush materialized about a year ago but part of it is still there. I've had a terrible crush on another woman but there's no way I would ever be with her. We are in completely different stages in life. She's 42, married to a man and they have three kids together (one minor, two adults). I'm 24, single with no kids and starting out as a young professional. I'm a lesbian, but I'm feminine and I haven't told her my sexuality. To be honest, I think she could be bisexual but I'm not really sure.

We met through work. She has flirted a few times in the past, but I think it's just a part of her personality. For example:

She's told me that if she ever leaves her husband it'll be for another woman

I've noticed her long glances at me (like when I'm looking at a menu or watching tv). When I asked her what's up she didn't say anything

She insisted we sleep in the bed together although I offered to take the couch (nothing happened of course)

She once called me at work to chat and told me she didn't have panties on (wth!). We fell into a giggle-fest but who does that?

In a different phone call, she told me her husband was coming in town for the weekend and asked did I want to have an orgy (***!) I just laughed it off and acted like it was a joke (still don't know if she was joking or not. Either way it didn't happen)

She just moved out this week, but previously for about six months she was staying in my second bedroom three days a week since she travels for work. On her last night here, we again slept in the same bed. I slept on my side facing away from her. After awhile I felt her move her leg against mine. Now mind you, we've slept together countless times before and we've never made physical contact. Every time I consciously slept far away from her b/c I know I'm attracted to her and didn't want to put myself through the torture.

Again nothing happened, but it was a complete mind-f**k. I wanted to climb on top of her, kiss her and feel her inside of me.

I thought that when she moved out it would be a victory for me - I thought I'd keep my integrity, put distance between us and move on with her out of sight and out of mind, but we still have lots of contact.

We went to lunch together yesterday, and at the end I told her that I would be under the radar for a while. She asked "what do you mean, towards me?" I told her yes and she got very upset and sent me a scathing email about me leaving people who have been there for me. Then she basically called and told me she's not going anywhere.

So I don't know what to do. I don't want to come out to her because I'm not confident she'll keep it to herself. I don't want to tell her the reason I can't be around her is because I'm crushing hard (it'll be nothing more than an ego boost for her).

I think what attracted me to her was the 'forbidden nature' of this friendship. She's not technically my boss, but she is the manager of my career development program and could get in trouble if anyone found out she was staying here.

I need help in avoiding her. I need the distance. When she's not here for vacation or travel my feelings subside but when she comes back and we're in contact my feelings swell up again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much for reading.


Lisa: this question has totally creeped me out and i feel like i need to take a shower. 

Erin: Alright, first things first. Your instinct to back away from this toxic person is spot on. DO NOT allow her in your bed, second bedroom, or panty-less on the phone. She may or may not be bi-sexual, but she is clearly abusing her "maturity" and senior position to her advantage. She may not be aware that she is doing it, which is even scarier. 

Lisa: i totally agree with everything you said, erin. but, as for this girl, i want to entourage her to come out of the closet and be who she really is. i'm more concerned that she's hiding who she is than with this creepy manager bitch. 

Erin: Yes, coming out of the closet will actually give you way more power than you have now. She is a 42 year old woman with a U-Haul full of baggage. You deserve a woman who is honest and ready to love you.


I know that everyone is different but ladies, do you like guys with facial hair or clean shaven? If you like facial hair on guys what sort do you like? Goa-tees, moustache, beard, unshaven stubble etc etc.... Thanks


Erin: I think it depends on the face. However, I am not down with the goatee. I have never been down with the goatee, not even during the height of its popularity in the mid-90's, and you know how much I fucking love the 90's! 

Lisa: i prefer men with facial hair, especially a beard. i like the way it feels all over my body. secondly, unless you are shaggy from scooby-doo and rocking a tribal tattoo around your arm, let's skip the goatee, shall we? 

Erin: But, if you have a beard, keep it clean. I don't want to find a piece of last night's pot roast lingering near your chin. And if you sport the stubble, be warned that a make out sesh may end in a lady with a terrible rash across her pretty face. 


I think my man wants to leave me.
Can guys really have female friends? I have been dating the love of my life for 10 months now but i get the feeling he is having phone sex with his "so-called" friends. I know he used to do it in the past but he told me he stopped but i dont believe him. Can that really lead to something else, Is he cheating on me? Sometimes he gives me attitdude for no reason and I tell him "U are giving attitude to the person who is there for u th most". I give him whatever he needs, love, friendship, someone to cry on, etc. I think I am being the best girlfriend to him but i dont get the same graditude back from him. I dont know what to do, he makes me feel good about myself but then at the same time he makes me feel like crap. I cant see my world without him in it.


Lisa: i think your man is cheating on you, yes. if someone gives you attitude for no reason, that's a red flag. 

Erin: Yes, a guy can really have female friends. But, not all men can. Who the fuck has phone sex anymore? What are we, stuck in 1999?  But, I digress. Like I tell many, many, many people who write in for advice, RUN! This sounds like a shitty relationship, regardless of wether or not he is actually still talking dirty with his "so-called" friends. Don't accept attitude (or "attidude"- which by the way I am totally implementing in my vocab, so thank you for that!) from anyone you're in a relationship with. It's so not worth your time to remain in situations like this. 

Lisa: like i said before, how you feel is an indicator of which direction you should be moving. it sounds like this relationship doesn't make you feel good. i can see your world without him in it, and your future looks bright. also, choose better next time, bitch. 

Phew! I think we're done, bitch. Until next time, have fun, be safe, use a condom! If you have a question, use the form on the top right of the page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

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