Thursday, May 8, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: The Truth Hurts (NSFW because we use the f-word a lot. Sorry.)


We're back!




Erin: Hey Lisa, last week was a much needed break. I feel ready to conquer these (sometimes tedious) questions. How you doing?

Lisa: i’ve somewhat recovered from my existential breakdown a couple of weeks ago and fell asleep at 10 last night , watching the daily show. so, it’s good times over here with lisa limmons. 

Erin: Lisa, I can always count on you to be wildin’ out. Shall we?

Lisa: yes, we shall. 







Q. 

I matched this guy on the Tinder dating app but he is actually an old friend of mine I haven't seen in a while..
My guess is he recognized me also but he has not messaged me & I have not messaged him.
We have not seen each other in a couple years but I really would like to message him.. I am just nervous about it.

Should I message him? Is a girl making the first move weird on Tinder?! Please help

A.

Erin: lisa, you go first on this one, you've got the Tinder experience under your belt. 

Lisa: first of all, i fucking hate tinder and i’m so glad i have a boyfriend and i’m not subjected to that online dating hell anymore. 

Erin: Yeah, I have never Tinder-ed but does Tinder etiquette matter? Is it a thing? 

Lisa: ok, tinder eitiquette does matter, erin. and i guess my question for this chick would be, what do you want from this guy? if you want to reconnect as a friend, sure, message him. if you want a boyfriend, wait for him to message you.

Erin: That sounds about right to me. Men are (usually) fairly simple. If he was interested in you romantically/sexually, I feel you would have heard form him by now. Sorry. :-( 
Let’s get to the next question, because it’s going to take us about 3 years to read it. 





Q. 

I have never submitted a question for advice before. I've always imagined myself as having clear judgement with men, but this one has me so clouded, I'm not even sure how to navigate it. His name is Jack (name changed for anonymity) and to say that I am probably in love with him is an understatement. I've known him for four years, off and on. He works near my work and on one random day, he saw me and my heart was instantaneously a goner. The only trouble was that at the time we flirted and he asked me out, I was engaged to be married a month later. Three years have gone by, and I have now separated. I had met him again, working at the same place. He remembered me and soon we became Facebook friends again, swapped numbers and talked for hours on end every day.
About two months into us talking, he vanished into thin air. Over the course of last year, our romance was on and off. It would be very consistent, very heated and just as rapidly it would be as if we were nothing more then strangers. I had found out later on it, he would date me when he and his long-time girlfriend had broken up. They had been together for years, and according to him, she is focused more on having fun and sleeping around than wanting a serious commitment, like he wants.
About three months ago, while I was dating another man, Jack had resurfaced. He spoke about how I wasn't in love with this man and that he regretted kissing me, and I asked point blank why he does this to me. He says all these wonderful things, I fall for him again, and then he's gone. He said that he and his ex were done for good, and that she cheated on him one too many times. We hung out all the time. I broke up with the other guy, as well, and for once with him, my trust was beginning to venture back onto the scene.
To describe Jack to you could take a hundred years. He's everything I want. After being married to an abusive man who didn't share any of my goals or dreams, Jack wants the life I want. He wants to be serious. He wants to become a father and a husband. He is a very hard-worker, and has worked himself up to running his branch, and his promotions are only bound to keep increasing. He's financially secure, opens up the car door for me and overall, respects me as a woman. On paper, he's everything that's right. But there are problems.
It seems that the two of us always have bad timing. When I want to be with him, he's taken by somebody else and vice versa. A part of me wishes I had never married my ex-husband, because maybe the two of us would be together. He would have never met her, and we wouldn't be in this rut where he claims he can see us together, but he's nowhere near ready to date exclusively again. It's been about two and a half weeks since I've last seen him, and I feel the vibe between us fading away. When I told him I felt like I was receiving mixed signals from him, he did nothing but apologize. When I said that I just want him to be around, he replied that he does as well. I thought he'd leave, but he didn't.
My question is one I hope can be answered: will he date me? For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now? When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else? I know that's probably impossible to answer, considering you don't know me or him, but, I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait? I've waited four years to be happy again when it comes to love. There is a part of me, that even though I sometimes feel like I should let go, I know I'm not ready to yet.
Sincerely,
Lovesick.



A.

Erin: Oh, Lovesick, I would like to congratulate you for writing the longest question in Ask Erin and Lisa!’s history. Wow, you’ve given us a lot of time lines- 4 years, 3 years, 1 month, 2 weeks, a year. I feel that the easiest way to break down what you're asking is to adress the specific questions you asked at the end. 

  1. “Will he date me?”- Yes, he will date you, but he will likely never commit
  2. “For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now?”- Yes, you are a rebound and an “in-between-er”, aka the one you fuck in between relationships. 
  3. "When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else?" -Yes, just not you.
  4. ” I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait?”- Not this fucking long. 

Lisa: i understand why your judgement is so clouded with this one, sister. “jack” has been running you around in circles for so long that you are foggy-headed from his continual fucked up mixed signals. further, i dated a verbally abusive guy and it took a big toll on my self-esteem which i can see has happened to you, as well. so, my advice to you is this: NO WAITING. get busy with your life, be kind to yourself, and get in to therapy. 

Erin: Yes, therapy, girlfriend. "Jack" is as bad for you as your ex-husband was. This is an opportunity to look at the patterns in your life and the people you are attracted to. This is not love. This is drama and when we are not emotionally healthy, drama can trick us into thinking it is love. I would also like to add that when I was emotionally unhealthy, I was “Jack," and I would've steered you away from me, too. He also needs therapy, but that’s really not my problem, and it definitely shouldn't be yours. Move on, get some therapy, find a man who TRULY wants the same things you do, because this loser clearly does not. 

Lisa: amen, erin. 








Q.

Whilst Googling a friend (yes someone I have feelings for but that is history) I came across some explicit images that a girl had posted. Should I tell him about this site (and have to fess up to how I came across it) so he can do something about it, or just leave it be….?

A.

Lisa: this has sent shivers up my spine, because i know there are some “photographs” of me out there that i would die if anyone, other than the intended recipient, saw. 

Erin: If this dude is your friend, you should probably tell him. Is there a way to tell him you found the site, without specifically fess-ing up to your internet stalking? Wouldn’t you want to know if the situation was reversed? 

Lisa: i think you should tell him, for sure. i don’t think you need to get in to how you found them, or any shit like that. 



Well, that’s a wrap. By the time this post goes live, I will be on a plane headed to Paris, but Lisa and I will be back next week to wade through the messy, messy, messy problems of your lives. Have a question? Use the box on the top right of the page. As always, your anonymity is golden and we will answer your question, eventually, and with (some) care. xoxo



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