Monday, September 15, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: The Office, The Looker, and The Affair

**This was meant for last week...but, due to life, you get it today! 

Erin: Well, well, well. I guess Summer is unofficially over and almost officially over, Lisa. How do you feel about the new season and the new iPhone?

Lisa: as you know, my aquarian nature thrives on change, and yes i’m getting the new fucking iPhone. 

Erin: Yeah, September 21st I can upgrade, and sadly I am a total slave to the Apple dealer. But, we digress. It’s been awhile, we are back to real life. Let’s answer some questions. 

Chapter 1. "The Office"

I had a meeting with my boss today. I have been working at my job for about 14 days.

He just wanted to touch base with me and how I am feeling about working at this job. we talked a little. I have basically been learning otj training in an office that could use some improvement in organization. It is stressful but I think that I am handling it well.

my boss kind of hinted that one of the employees came to him about a situation in which they saw me talking with my "trainer" about something and they thought that that my attitude was negative or that I had a negative vibe. He brought this up to me because his office is a very close office of "girls" and he doesnt want them to feel like there is stress going on. he told me that the person was concerned that i wasnt smiling enough and wasnt happy.

I just got out of a really bad job environment. this new job at least I thought was a godsend to me. Granted that I am stressed because everything is foreign to me, I often admit that I am not aware of my facial expressions and they don't really reflect what I am feeling on the inside. I actually enjoy working there most of the time. I like the girls and even though I dont really know them I thought that my behavior was appropriate.

I was completely taken aback by the fact that someone went up to him and said it. I am consistently open to feedback. I dont like to step on anyones toes at all, and would like to fit in as well. I am somewhat intimidated by the fact that I am the " new girl" and being a reserved person I'm not one to fully open up for a bit. It's intimidating that I'm now working in an office where everyone is close except me.

I really dont know what to do. I am hurt to the point of wanting to cry. I am trying to do the best that I can, but am not too thrilled about people judging me when I have been at the job for about 2 weeks. My boss kind of hinted and I at least got the impression that he would like me to change. Reserved as I am I am also succint. I am honest with people and straightforward and wish that people would do the same.

In a way, I'm very confused now. I'm hurt because the person who had the issue didnt really tell me about it. I had to hear it from my boss. Also when I tell him about my quirks, he tells me that a trait of my personality wont work in the office. I'm very confused. Why did he hire me in the first place. Is he telling me that I have to change my personality. what about the people who work there already? I understand that there are some adjustments that need to be made, and it's really too early to make assumptions about anyone and who they are. I dont do that but it seems like some in my office already have. Isint change a 2 way street compromise is about working in the middle? I definitely know who I am and dont really feel that this is all me. I dont know what to do. I want to tell my boss that I was hurt but I dont know what to do. This is eating me up inside. Please help.

Erin: I first need to address the way you vacillate between all lowercase and then proper capitalization. It's really confusing. Pick a team. 

OK. Now, I get that you were caught off guard and I understand that it may be annoying that someone mentioned this to your boss. Unfortunately, in life, people expect certain behavior, especially in the workplace. Don’t run and tell your boss how “hurt” you are. Take this commentary for what it is and honestly look at how you may be perceieved. Although annoying, being aware of how you come across is KEY to making it in almost every industry. No matter what you do, essentially, on some level, with very few exceptions, everything is about selling yourself. I don't mean selling yourself as in prostitution, I mean proving/showing how valuable your skills are. 

Lisa: that’s great advice, erin, however, there is a little catch phrase in the workforce these days called “corporate culture.” to me, it sounds like you might not be a culture fit with this organization. having said that, i once had a job in radio, and i worked with all these stupid smiley sorority bitches. it was very hard for me, because that wasn’t my personality. you said you actually enjoy working there, most of the time, so if i were you, i would try to stay with that feeling, keep your chin up, and be yourself. if working within this organization isn’t the right fit, i’m sure you will be able to land a job where your worth is more valued. 

Chapter 2. "The Looker"

I have a problem with being insecure in relationships. This past weekend, I got insecure when I thought my boyfriend was 'checking out' another girl. We discussed it and he denied it and I realize now that I was overreacting.

The problem is - he now thinks that I'm a very jealous insecure person and he's freaked out.

Any advice on how to stop being insecure and to mend things with my boyfriend.

Lisa: so, you’re admitting to being insecure. big, huge, first step, sister. listen, this may be all on you, but it may not. i was with an asshole who i felt insecure with, too. i don’t know why, i just did, it was a feeling. i just didn’t trust him and you know what? i was right about him; it turns out he was an untrustworthy person. so, i understand where you’re coming from. it seems like maybe you might need to work a little on yourself before you start hanging your shit on someone else. if he is freaked out. fuck him. find someone who is understanding of your character defects and can help you heal, not rub salt on the wound. real relationships operate on trust and understanding. (unless you are some batshit crazy psycho person)

Erin: The bottom line is trust. Wether or not you don’t trust him because of your baggage or his behavior is really irrelevant, because unless there is trust, the relationship is doomed. I do think that people, both men and women, look at other people, even when they are in a happy relationship. That does not mean that they are looking to cheat, will cheat, or have cheated. Again, you need the trust there, so that when your significant other may or may not be noticing an attractive (or unattractive) person, it really won’t matter. If he’s with you, it’s probably because he wants to be with you. One last thing, no matter what, nothing will drive someone away faster than freaking out/getting jealous about seemingly insignificant things. 

Chapter 3. "The Affair"

I've started dating this girl who's married, but separated from her husband a few months ago after a long time of counselling etc and it not working. She hasnt loved him for a long time, has taken off her ring etc. I get the impression she's leaving him for being an a-hole, but dont know details really yet.

They can't get divorced for another year as they've not been married long enough yet.

Is dating her cheating? Adultery? Could it affect her divorce settlement? (She wants divorce, he doesnt)?

I'm completely new to all this, never having married or been in anything like this situation b4


Erin: I am not a family law expert, but I’m pretty sure you can get a divorce whenever. Lawyer friends? Help me out here. Anyway, maybe she is waiting for that 10 year mark, so she receives more alimony? Does it really matter? She is married. This sounds like a truly unhealthy situation to get yourself wrapped up in. If you are just in it for the sex, then whatever, I guess. The onus of responsibility is on her and what she says the status of her relationship is. However, I would never suggest that you get emotionally involved with someone who has so much unravelling left to do. 

Lisa: RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THIS SITUATION. a few years ago, i started dating a guy who was separated, too. he lived in his own apartment, but still the papers had not been signed. it was a bad idea all around, because as erin said there was a lot of unravelling that still needed to be done. the ex-wife was a nightmare and interjecting myself in that situation caused me a lot of trauma and grief. as for the cheating question, no you’re not the one married. best of luck to you. 

Alright bitches, we’re done. We will be back again next week, pinky swear, to answer more of your burning and itching questions. If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of the page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

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