Thursday, October 9, 2014

Ask Erin and Lisa!: The Irish Pen Pal, Rich Girl/Poor Girl, and Oops He's Married

Y’all ready for this? 

Erin: Hey LisaLisa, how’s your October going? 

Lisa: slow and steady wins the race, erin. 

Erin: OK then! Let’s answer these questions, because we’ve got a couple long ones. 

Lisa: ok bitch, let’s get to it. 


Hello I'm female age 29. I met a guy online (okcupid). I messaged him first because I'd seen him on my visitors list quite a few times and no I don't have provocative pic or anything like that. I messaged him and we've talked on the phone, texted/IM every day since and that was three months ago. He's funny, charming, caring, educated, goal oriented, and a good listener.

He lives in Ireland, age 28 with parents, works as an engineer and he's not so experienced with romantic relationships, but I am having second doubts about him because initially he came on strong but I wanted to take things slow and he agreed. He woos me with his charm and great sense of humor. A month into I let him know that I liked him (mind you he always told me how much he liked me etc and that he had plans to visit America). Something happened because he cooled off from chatting to me after I told him my feelings. He began to text/message less. I asked if he was okay and if he started talking to someone else, he said no. We get some things straightened out and he asked me what I would like for us to be and I told him that I wasn't sure and it was still early but I like him and he agreed too saying he didn't know what he wanted.

I still sense that he is apprehensive about us because we don't communicate as much and I find him to be somewhat secretive about his life. I asked him a couple of weeks ago where this was going and he said that he's not sure but that he likes me and enjoy getting to know me. That's fine but I feel like we're moving at a snail’s pace. I'd like to know more about his life although he seems normal enough but you never know.

He works at a temp job for his company and won't find out if he goes back to being permanent until December and that's when he'll know/start planning his trip to America. I'm afraid of getting my heart broken and wasting my time getting to know him when he is probably looking for an online buddy. We still text/IM everyday and he phones once a week. I've never called him because I don't feel comfortable.

I've sensed another change in him lately like he's been a little more sensitive and even accused me of making fun of him when sick and he offered to buy me music although international tax isn't cheap. We have been communicating a lot more recently but I'm still scared of getting hurt. He tells me that I over think things too much and not to worry and to trust him.

I like him and I'm worrying if I should wait it out for the December decision on his job? He no longer writes me erotica and he's a great writer and this has me wondering if he's writing it to someone else too and he's stopped talking romantically to me (weeks ago), would this be a red flag too? My first and last relationship lasted eight years and I broke up with late last year for cheating. I'm not that experienced in this. Am I being paranoid? Do you think he's going slow(I really don't mind) because of his inexperience and cultural differences?
Thank you


Lisa: um, okay, um, okay, OMG. a budding/new relationship is hard no matter what, but sister, you met this guy on okstupid, he lives across an ocean, and he’s pulling back a bit. i’m sure he’s cute and educated and all that, but seriously, can’t you find someone in your own zip code to obsess over? 

Erin: I am so exhausted by your weird cyber relationship/non-relationship, I barely have the strength to answer these questions. Yes, you are wasting your time. Yes, there are many red flags. I have no idea if he is “cheating” or writing erotica to other women he has met online. It’s irrelevant why he’s acting the way he is acting. But, girlfriend, please date in the real world, and move on from your pen pal. 

Lisa: YOU DON’T KNOW THIS PERSON! YOU’VE NEVER MET HIM! HE IS A FANTASY. if he actually comes to see you, great. in the meantime, focus on something other than a “relationship” that isn’t real. 

Erin: Lastly, I will never understand the correlation you made in this sentence: “I've sensed another change in him lately like he's been a little more sensitive and even accused me of making fun of him when sick and he offered to buy me music although international tax isn't cheap.” Good luck! 


This might be an unusual question, but have you ever had friends who just seemed to drag down your self esteem?

I am friends with two gals -- a rich gal and a poor gal, and needless to say being the middle class girl that I am, I just feel like I really don't fit in with either one of them!!

When I hang out with the rich gal I feel inferior-- especially when I listen to her talk about her Gucci handbags or her new Mercedes, or a piece of expensive jewelry her husband bought for her birthday, etc.

My rich friend always says she likes people no matter what their background or wealth, but judging by the way she brags, I almost feel like she is deliberately making me feel worthless or inferior!!

She also pissed me off big time one day when I met her for lunch and she saw that I was wearing a long, very nice looking leather coat. She could not take her eyes off it, but instead of paying me any compliments about it, she said: "See? You CAN look good when you want to."

What the hell is that supposed to mean???

Anyway when I hang out with my other friend, the poor chick, I feel disgusted by her red neck/white trash ways and I begin to feel that by hanging out with her, it sort of makes me de-facto white trash too.

For example, my Red neck/White trash friend will talk about her latest tattoos. In her family, anytime somebody is born or somebody dies, the family members all get a tattoo to remember the date-- like how redneck is that????

Also... one time I visited her at the trailer park in which she lives. If seeing the run down trailers and the cars up on cement blocks was not bad enough, it was when I met her sister and her husband and saw that they were both missing their front teeth, that I thought: "OMG!! What the hell am I doing here, socializing with these people???? These people need to be on Jerry Springer!!"

Anyway... have you ever been friends with someone of a different socio-economic class than yourself?

If so how did you handle it?

I really do like both of my friends but I just feel like total crap sometimes when I hang out with either one of them.


Erin: First of all, you yourself are pretty damn judge-y of your friends. You paint a pretty bleak picture of both of them. Maybe to your “rich friend” you act or dress “white trash.” And maybe, to your “poor friend” you act like a “rich gal.” They both sound awful according to your descriptions, so either they really are and you should get new friends or you are a judgmental bitch. I have friends from all socioeconomic backgrounds and I don’t really think about it. I have friends that are into different things than I am, and I guess I never relate it to how they grew up or how much money they have. 

Lisa: wow, do you ever hang out with them together? now that would be some jerry springer shit. i grew up in the deep south, so i understand the poor people no teeth thing. i also understand the rich people scenario and i have several gucci purses. anyway, you can be friends with whomever you want, no matter what their socioeconomic status, but what are you actually gaining by being friends with them? if you feel like “crap” it’s a sign that something’s not right. maybe you’ve just outgrown both of them? pull the hard fade with both these bitches and find new friends with people who are more on your level. 

Erin: I’m still trying to figure out if Jerry Springer is still on the air…


My exboyfriend cheated on me with this woman, then we separated but stayed in contact in all ways even intimately, i didn't know him and her were together and they just got married. We had sex 2 weeks before the wedding. Do I tell her?


Lisa: tell her what? that her new husband is a skank-ass motherfucker? no, stay out of it. 

Erin: I agree. Stay out of this mess. And stop all contact, including intimate contact. They deserve each other, assuming she knew he was with someone else when they first hooked up. 

Phew, we did it. Another round of questions in the bag. Don’t shoot the messengers! If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of the page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. 


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