Erin: Today, to kick off 2015, I have a special guest, the lovely Adele, who is joining me to answer the first batch of questions this year! (Full disclosure, a couple of these questions were asked last year, but what can I do, there’s only so much of me to go around.) Hey Adele, are you ready for this?
Adele: I was born ready for this. Thank you for having me. It’s an honor.
Erin: These questions are kind of long, so let’s crack the first one open…
I feel like I'm wasting my youth. I'm 22 years old with just a semester left of college. If you met me in person you'd think I had no problem with meeting girls. I'm funny and charismatic, in great shape, tall, people tell me I'm a handsome guy. I did a varsity sport 4 years through college. I'm involved in acting and singing and would like to take a shot to pursue that in the next few years. On top of that I squeeze in time to play in a band. And there's my classes, but that's not that important to me. When school was in session I'd always be very busy to really worry about anything.
Then I look back and I realize that even though I've been productive with my time, I've never been happy with girls. I've never had a girlfriend and I never go out on dates. I know girls find me desirable. I did one play that was mostly girls and by the end of it a lot of them became really attracted to my personality...unfortunately the one girl I was interested in the cast wasn't into me...talk about a catch 22. I realize I can be picky and if I wanted ANY girlfriend I could have had it, but I want a girl I feel something for. Though, there have been plenty of girls that I was interested in that seemed to just fade out of my life or not give a damn about me. I've seen other people date a ton and it always baffles me how they do it.
When people talk about the teenage romances they've had or even just the lustful hookups, I always get down, because I missed out on that and there's no going back. I have one semester of school left and a whole year of living in this area before I move on, and I want to make the best of it - meet girls and go on dates. If something develops then great, but if not then I at least want a chance. I don't know where to start though. Do you have any insight? I'd appreciate anything.
Erin: The reason you see certain people “date a ton” is because their standards are fairly low. If everything you are saying is true, I am sure you could also be dating a ton. However, finding someone that means something is an entirely different and inherently more difficult venture.
Adele: First of all, I think you should go to class and learn what a “Catch 22” is. My first instinct is that maybe this guy is not into girls.
Erin: Oooh, I thought that, too.
Adele: Going on the assumption that what he says is true, I think that the way people perceive of dating or hookup culture is largely based on movies and TV. The idea that college will be some pussy parade is kind of silly and there is still plenty of time. You have a lot of “youth” left. So, enjoy the fact that you have so many diverse interests.
Erin: Yes, I made many many many poor decisions in college. And, well, after college. And those youthful glory days of dating are so not missed. Also, you have so many “hobbies,” if I met you at age 22, I might think that you were a sociopath, based on your long resume of things you do/things you’re good at.
Adele: I have always been suspicious of people who have a lot of diverse hobbies, which I’m sure points to something wrong with me, because I don’t have any hobbies. But, I’m okay with that.
Erin: Sorry, dude, you may just be a homosexual or a sociopath, or Adele and I are 2 jerks that you can write a song about with your band. What a “catch 22!”
my ex of over 3 years and i broke up a month and a half ago. i went NC and at about the one month mark we met for dinner and he cried and said how much he missed me and thought about me every day, and we ended up hooking up (this was a little over a week ago). afterwards, i found out that he was already in another (rebound) relationship (with a married woman!!!!!!), and immediately went NC again. he has tried contacting me a couple of times via text, and even dropped off some pictures and burned me a CD. all the while, he is flying out of town to go stay with her. i have been really good about not responding to him until tonight. he sent me a text that says:
"i apologize for the inappropriate texts. after last week my level of confusion is heightened and my censorship is compromised. i think there are some words that we still need to share and that can be via the phone or in person, or if you feel, not had at all. but i needed to say that to you. i am sorry for the manner in which i've contacted you lately and promise it will cease. if we speak or not. i am sorry and i hope you are well."
i don't know what to do. i of course love him still. but he is so messed up. i found out through a mutual friend (that is one of his best friends) that he lied to her about hooking up with me. he told her that he told me the truth and that i was heartbroken but that he was trying to do the right thing because he really loves this new woman. so so sick. and i'm afraid that if i do talk or see him, i will break down, or worse, he will tell me that he is in love with her and can't talk to me anymore...but i also don't want him to hate me if i don't respond...
as you can tell i am very confused to say the least. any advice??
Erin: Adele, let’s get in our time machine and head back to 2002, because who the fuck still burns CDs for people?
Adele: I agree with you, but to be fair, I just remembered that one of the ways my current fiancé wooed me was by giving me a CD he burned on one of our first dates. But, I think it had sort of a vintage feel.
Erin: I love that you referred to your fiancé as your “current fiancé.” :D My current husband emailed images of his brain scan to me, when we were first dating, so…. Like I have told many people who have written in and probably don’t want to hear this, he is doing you a favor. RUN.
Adele: I totally agree. This one is easy. Go NC and stay NC. You shouldn’t talk to people you broke up with for awhile.
Erin: Every time I see NC, I think North Carolina, like you should totally go North Carolina for awhile. And I know a surprising number of people from North Carolina and they are pretty awesome….
Adele: If going to North Carolina is what it takes to stay NC, then go to fucking North Carolina. But, Erin’s right, the best thing an ex has ever done for me is to be a huge asshole. Briefly hating someone makes it so much easier not to talk to them.
Friend's ALWAYS complaining!
I have a friend with whom I hang out with quite a lot. I enjoy it but she's always complaining! From her work, friends to family. Its been like this for two years now- and speaking to her is beginning to depress and annoy me now. I really don't know how to tell her.
Adele: I guess, be honest with your friend, and tell her that if she is not already in therapy, she should be in therapy, which everyone probably should be. It is not fair to burden one’s friend in such a way. Some amount of complaining is normal, but this sounds like too much.
Erin: Yes, you should tell her, in a kind way, what she is doing. However, be prepared that she may cut you off, which sounds like it wouldn’t be the worst thing, because who the hell needs friends like that?
Adele: It’s a win-win.
Erin: When I find myself spending time with someone who talks about their problems or complains all the time, I tune out, completely, so what kind of friendship is that? The bottom line- tell her she’s complaining too much, suggest therapy, if you lose this friend, it’s not a big loss.
I am so happy that Adele joined me today and I look forward to answering more questions/killing your dreams with her again! If you have a question about anything at all (no, really, ANYTHING), use the form on the top right of the page. Your questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo