Erin: Hey Lisa Lisa. So, thanks to Facebook memories, I learned that today marks six years of Rarely Wrong Erin. I can’t decide if everything has changed or nothing has changed, but mostly I think everything has changed.
Lisa: Well you know what they say, Erin, the more things change, the more the stay the same.
Erin: Sure. Whatevs. What also stays the same is that people have many problems and we should do our best to give them mediocre advice.
So about two months ago, I rejected this guy who I had been out with about 3-4 times. The reason I gave him was that I wasn’t sure what I wanted right now and also due to a situation where he may or may not be long term in my area. Truthfully, it was those things but also just me not sure if I was really feeling it.
Now, I am thinking that I may have made a mistake here. I have been thinking about him some and thinking that I should have went out with him some more, because he was really easy to talk to, a genuine good guy, we laughed a lot, and I felt like I could be myself around him. I think me "not feeling it" had more to do with myself than with him. I have been out with a few others since then and I guess it kind of made me realize that. I have dated a lot of people since the demise of my relationship almost 2 years ago and I definitely have liked him the most. I think I was scared of getting close to someone, and I didn’t give him a fair chance. I think I have been pushing people away after my last relationship because I was scared of being hurt again and I really want to stop doing that. I was thinking about getting in touch with him and explaining to him that I had a lot of stuff going on then and I just wasn’t ready at the time to really date anyone, but I’m not sure. I mean, he could be dating someone now or he could think I was lying. I’m not sure I would believe a guy if they got in touch with me after rejecting me. Also, I’m still not sure I want him to be my boyfriend or anything, but would just kind of like to date and see where it goes I guess. Any advice? And how would you take it if someone did this to you?
Lisa: Okay, besides your grammar, I love this question. I’m relatively new again to the dating scene and totes understand what you’re going through. “Not feeling it” is a powerful phrase for me in your question, because I’m a big feeler. Either I do or I don’t. Sometimes you like someone and sometimes you don’t but I’m thinking this was maybe a timing situation. I would personally be honored if someone reached out to me again to give it the old college try. Why not? You’ll never know if you don’t do it. I say go for it.
Erin: A dude does not want you to come back to him with some lengthy explanation. If he’s down, then he’s down. Guys are not driven by wordiness the way women are. So, if you want to contact him, go ahead, but I would forego any explanation and just see if he wants to hang. As for your question, “how would you take it…,” I probably would pass, because for me, if it wasn’t right the first time, it probably is a sign that it won’t be right the second time. And yes, I speak from personal experience.
I met her on a dating website and, unlike anyone I’d previously met on the site, we immediately hit it off. We’ve been dating for a little over a month. She’s expressed interest in me throughout this time, getting my attention via text, email, or phone on days we didn’t have a date or, when together, saying things like “I was thinking about you…” or continually making plans for different things we could do on future dates. We both hadn’t seriously dated anyone in at least a year and seemed to be on the same page as far as wanting to establish a relationship… or that’s what I thought.
On our last date, she spoke of what she did with a friend the previous Saturday while I was out of town: attending 2 swinger parties on the same night. She talked about doing this in a way to distance herself from it (“this is going to sound so weird…,” “it was gross…”) and that she was just curious about going once but she’d “never be into that sort of thing, I’m all about monogamy…” Later, she went to the bathroom and I invaded her privacy by looking at her phone: there were messages from a guy - presumably the one she went to the party - about how hot she looked that night, all very sexual. She wasn’t as forthcoming in her replies to him, but made reference to his “hard cock” and that she’d masturbated. These texts were sent a day after I’d slept with her, on which she’d sent me a text message saying she “came while thinking about me”.
I’m unsure how to proceed here. She seems so genuine in her communication with me, like she truly wants to pursue a relationship. I’m also not sure how to discuss how uncomfortable I feel with her now because I looked at her phone without her permission.
I’m on the fence between doing something to insult her and telling her I don’t want to see her anymore or first just giving her a chance to explain what she’s doing and how she feels about me. I don’t want to seem like some controlling * * * * * * * , but the swinger party thing freaks me out. It’s like she’s a different person.
Lisa: Erin, it’s early in the morning in California and I need another cup of coffee before I begin with this one. You go.
Erin: There are so many red flags on both sides of this relationship, it’s hard to know where to begin. Let me make you a list:
1. Perhaps, it’s that the two of you are so fast and furious- texting, calling, planning- in such a short span of time, that I feel smothered by your relationship.
2. Perhaps, I'm alarmed by the idea that people actually go to swingers' parties. In my mind, they are forever a group of unattractive pasty middle-aged folks we saw on HBO Real Sex episodes circa 1999.
3. Perhaps, it’s odd that you say she didn’t really respond to him and then lay out that she referred to his “hard cock” and masturbating to his image (Please refer to image of middle-aged pasty swinger from HBO’s Real Sex circa 1999).
4. Perhaps, it’s the glaring red flag that you looked at her phone the second she left the room, one month into a relationship, with a woman you met online.
5. Perhaps, it should disturb you that she does not have a password on her phone to protect said sketchy messages. Amateur.
6. Lastly, perhaps, it's strange that you wrote out hard cock but asterisked out the expletive you called yourself, presumably asshole. Weird.
Having said all that, just end this mess and next time don’t go all in so fast. K?
Lisa: Swinger parties and hard cocks aside, let’s start with the thing that bothers me the most: you invaded her privacy and looked at her phone. I don’t keep a passcode on my phone either and this has been done to me and it’s awful. Trust is completely eradicated. I’m not the cheating/go to swingers’ parties type, so the dudes that have done this just found a bunch silly girl talk between me and my friends. The big point here is that you don’t trust her and she shouldn’t trust you either.
The guy I am talking to, whom I met on tinder and lives about an hour away (who offered to come visit me after our first phone call) has backed off and not contacted me over the weekend. Have I sent too many emails or what? The way I figure it is, if he's willing to drive an hour to see me, then, we should really be talking every day. Perhaps I am wrong. I sent about three emails over the weekend. Is that too many?
Lisa: Hey sister, I was on Tinder too, so I can relate. Tinder is full of flakes and janks. So, don’t take anything that happens on Tinder with any seriousness at all. And yes, three emails is too many. Leave the guy alone and let him come to you.
Erin: You are making me feel as smothered as the snoop in the question before you. You definitely sent two emails too many. And since you said “I sent about three emails,” I’m gonna guess that you really sent five. Sure, harassment via email is like an aphrodisiac for men, but girl, stop being so clingy! Too many women pursue men who display only a mild interest in them. I agree with Lisa. Let him work for it, a little. In reverse, if a guy emailed me three to five times in one weekend when we had not even met yet, I would be a little horrified.
Lisa: Keep on swiping right and see what happens.
Phew, three more questions down. Basically, the advice comes down to this: stop being so wordy, so snoopy, and so clingy. If you have a burning question about anything at all and want us to give you some half-assed advice, use the form on the top right of the page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo