Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Ask Erin!: I Have Sexual Tension With a Friend, What Should I Do?



Sexual tension between friends vis-a-vis comparisons to your favorite 80s films? Check! Shall we?


Q.

I thought dating was supposed to get easier as I got older! I have a close friend. There has definitely been some attraction (well on my part for sure... and his too somewhat ) over the years. Neither of us has actually ever done anything. We occasionally make jokes about getting together but it stops and starts there as a joke. 

Sometimes it seems like he goes out of his way to be so nonchalant about who I’m dating or acts like he doesn't care. (Which I understand  because I do it too!!) It’s ridiculous..we are very open with each other about practically everything else...but I find myself continuing to freeze up.

It’s all very 8th Grade and we are both guilty...and both of us are in our thirties!! Lol! Is this normal behavior for someone my age? I thought I would have grown out of this years ago ......maybe it’s a self preservation thing.. I don't know! I have no problem flirting with some random guy I meet, but when I really like someone I act like I couldn’t care less. Is there hope for me? Please say yes! 



A.
Truth- I think this is less about having feelings for this person and more about not wanting him to get wifed up because: A, that will screw up the “When Harry Met Sally” vibe you’ve got going on and B, you might want to have sex with him but not actually be in a relationship with him. This is not an unusual situation. In fact, if we all get a little honest with ourselves, we can probably recall a time (or three) when we had that friend that we treated like a bf/gf but didn’t want to date. We also didn’t want him or her to date anyone else either. 

I could be wrong. You could have true feelings for him. 

Yes, there is hope for you. In fact, my husband and I started out as friends with burgeoning sexual tension. (He also told me he would never date someone like me, so he was glad that we were “just friends.” Exactly two weeks later we started dating and never looked back.) 

Get real with yourself and figure out if what you’re feeling is the I-want-to-keep-Duckie-around-in-case-I-don’t-have-a-date-for-prom scenario or the I-am-a-tomboy-who-plays-the-drums-and-have-been-secretly-in-love-with-you-for-years scenario. If it’s the former, then stop the block, let him date, and you go date and be merry, too. If it’s the latter, well then, get honest, or make the move yourself. Whatever the outcome, it’s better than driving yourself crazy trying to interpret his behavior (and yours)!







I’m all out of answers (and references to John Hughes films) for the week, the month for that matter. If you have a question for me about sex, dating, heartache, 1970s horror films, Labradoodles, brussels sprouts, or anything else, please  use the form on the top right of this page or email rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Ask Erin!: Am I Being Ghosted and How Do I Tolerate An Intolerant Friend?


Well, hello there. I hope everyone is having a splendid week. I, for one, am reeling at the realization that we are 3/4 of the way through October. What?! Alright, you have questions, I’ve got answers….






Q.


I have a question about how to be more tolerant. One of my friends is just really disagreeable most of the time. I try to be okay with her, but occasionally I get really pissed off, and I’m not the type of person to show that. I keep things bottled up. And we have been friends a LONG time, since college. 

But, I can’t take it anymore. If she asks me for a favor, which is often, like advice (which she never takes so I usually say I don’t want to tell her what to do), or money to cover her portion of the check, or to borrow clothes, and I say no, she will literally break down crying and have a freak out. I’m pretty sure our mutual friends feel the same. And it’s like she still acts like a teenager and we are both in our early 30s. 

Also, with men- Whenever we are in a social situation with men, she’s gets a little mean towards me- puts me down in all these subtle little jokes and has  physically pushed  me over so she can sit next to someone when she’s in full on flirt mode. We have been friends so long that I don’t want to end the friendship and I seriously doubt she’s going to change at this point. So what can I do to be more tolerant and patient? How can I keep from being mad at her?



A.
Your question is kind of irrelevant, because you should NOT be tolerating this woman’s behavior! Listen, we have all had the difficult friend, and we have all been the difficult friend (if we’re really getting honest), but that doesn’t mean, as a woman in her 30s, that you should waste any time being patient with someone this difficult! 

I understand that you have been friends with her for a long time, but drop that rock, lady! We all have our bad days, but it sounds like she is consistently annoying and narcissistic. No adult woman should be behaving like that, or putting up with that. 

I think you should write her a letter. In that letter, clearly and without drama, lay out for her what specific behaviors are damaging your friendship. Then have that uncomfortable conversation. You’ll know what to say because you’ve already done the footwork in the letter. And, tell her that unless she is willing to work on those behaviors, that you can’t be in her life. 

As uncomfortable or sad as it may be to have that talk and to possibly walk away from years of friendship, it will be infinitely more uncomfortable and sad to remain friends with her. Good luck and look to your other friends for support. 







Q.
So I met a guy match last week and we seemed to hit it off. Soon we started texting back & forth, then agreed to meet. We had our first date this past weekend, and it was really nice. We had a lot in common, and it was a really nice evening!

I was going out of town the next day, so he told me to contact him when I get back. When I was out of town, I went on match to see if maybe he left me a message... but instead, he had deleted his profile!! And according to the time, he deleted right after our date!!

Well, when I got back, I sent him a text saying that I was back and how was his day... to which he replied he was good, just finished dinner and was about to go play basketball.  But he didn't ask me how I was, or ask anything about me... so I told him to have fun playing basketball, to which he replied,  “thanks*ttyl.”

Later that night, I added him on Facebook, and he accepted my friend request.

It's now been two days since I've heard from him. Is he not into me anymore, but was just being nice by replying to my texts that day and accepting my friend request? Or is he still interested? The only thing that really worried me about it is his deleting his dating profile. I mean, could I have really been that bad of a date that he didn't want to do online dating anymore?  Or am I just bugging out and it's just too soon to tell…


A.
Okay, let’s jump off of your questions to get to the bottom of this. Yes, it sounds like he was just being “nice.” (I call it polite. I have no clue if he’s nice.) No, I don’t think he’s interested. And if he is, walk away anyhow, because if he is interested he has very poor communication skills

I have no idea why he deleted his dating profile. Does it matter if it had anything to do with you? Who cares? You went out once- maybe he’s crazy, maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s been seeing someone else and it got more serious, maybe he’s ghosting or maybe he’s just not that in to you. 

You deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas. (That may be the first time I’ve used that in a sentence.) As I have said many many times, men are quite simple when it comes to dating. If he likes you, he’s going to pursue you. He’s going to make an effort. And for the men that have extenuating circumstances, mental/emotional etc.- Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone like that. 

And yes, you’re bugging out about it a little. Let it go, keep on dating and enjoying your life, and wait for the right man. In the meantime, “ you do you.” 

***




Well, I hope you’ve learned something. If you have a question for me about relationships, kissing, break-ups, books, ponies, the best chocolate chip cookies, or anything else, please use the form at the top right of the page or email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

A Poem For You (Yes, You) Volume 3




In honor of his birthday today, a poem for you by E.E. Cummings. 



you said Is
there anything which is dead or alive more beautiful
than my body,to have in your fingers
(trembling ever so little)?
                           Looking into 
your eyes Nothing,i said,except the 
air of spring smelling of never and forever. 


....and through the lattice which moved as
if a hand is touched by a
hand(which
moved as though
fingers touch a girl's
breast,
lightly)
        Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with 
my flowers to believe, the rain answered










Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Ask Erin!: Burned in the Bay & The Boa Constrictor



It’s been awhile, my friends. You’ve got questions. I’ve got answers. A brand new installment of Ask Erin!, where you’re sure to get good advice, given poorly….







Q. 

I moved to NY at 23, with a naive determination that if I could make it there, I could make it anywhere. But, I moved in the dead of winter, with few job leads, and a new boyfriend. Said boyfriend and I started dating a few months after he broke off his engagement (he cheated) and a few weeks after I had set this whole NY plan in motion. About 6 months in, I landed a great job that enabled me to move to Oakland with my boyfriend. At that point, our relationship seemed more important than any life I had imagined for myself in NY. Fast forward a few months into so-called domestic bliss, and shit hit the fan.

He confessed to me (after a hamburger and during a Michael Fassbender film) that he had slept with his ex-fiance while I was in NY. I was devastated, and not because of the sex, but because in my gut I knew it all along and he totally made me feel crazy! So many of our arguments came down to trust and my insecurity that I was living in the shadow of their relationship. A month later, I ended things and moved back to LA—with my parents. My life fell apart and his went on interrupted. He started seriously dating someone less than 2 months after I moved out. He told me over email, and Instagram confirmed my worst fears. They were revisiting all of our old spots. She was sleeping on my side of the bed, they visited his parents. They had pet names. She even had a photo in my old apron cooking with my pots.

In the six months (!!) since our breakup, I turned 25 and started a new life in LA. I've also called him and sent more emails and texts than I can I even recall. Some of them have been sweet (read desperate and sappy), but most of them have been hate-filled and bitter. And while he has clearly moved on, I am still stuck in this loop of longing and of grief. I feel like I never got closure, and I can't help but feel like I was a placeholder until he found someone else. I want to start dating again, and to stop feeling like such a victim, but it hasn't happened yet. I've tried therapy, Tinder, yoga, meds, drinking, not drinking, even an "energy healer." I'm just heartbroken. I miss someone that clearly wasn't right for me, and that obviously was more than ready to move on. So, how do you "get whole" again after being someone else's other half? How do I escape the feeling of being "replaced" and move on to something more mature and healthy? I don't want to always be thinking about the coulda-woulda-shouldas and what "might have been" or "what was", especially with someone who doesn't even think of me...Is this normal? Am I a total mess? And yeah, I know lurking is so creepy/unhealthy/stalkerish.

xo
Burned in the Bay

(PS: It's my first 'big' love…)




A.

My first question is, which Michael Fassbender film?? Are we talking Inglourious Basterds, 12 Years a Slave, that one where he plays a sex addict (Shame)?? 

Honey, this guy was totally gas lighting you- by denying the truths you sensed. UGH. 

Oh, Burned in the Bay, yeah you might be a bit of a mess, but that’s okay. You are so young and, as you pointed out, this was your first big love. The hard truth? It is mostly time that’s going to get you where you want to be, un-heartbroken. Block him on social media. Remove yourself from social media, if necessary. 

The thing about therapy, yoga, meds, energy healing, and even Tinder- these things still take time to work, more time than 6 months, especially if you want them to fundamentally change patterns so that you don’t date the same guy over and over again. 

Yeah, it sucks, you were replaced. And his ex before you was replaced by you. He sounds like a guy who doesn’t know how to be alone, which is troubling. Your coulda-woulda-shouldas probably would have led you to the same place- the end of the relationship, because he doesn’t sound so healthy himself. I PROMISE that you will look back on this and be grateful that he cheated on you, because it allowed you to exit this mess before you got even more locked down. 

And, if all else fails, you can give NY another try. ;-) 






Q. 


First off a little background: I am 31 and my girlfriend is 29. We have been dating for about a year now and everything has been awesome with our relationship until recently. I feel like I'm being smothered. She says i'm allowed to hang out with my friends but I can tell she doesn't want me to. She is constantly putting my friends down and tells me how stupid they are.  When I make plans without her she ends up making me feel so bad about it that I end up not doing it.  The control thing didn’t bother me at first, but now it’s a real problem. 

I know if i try to talk to her about giving me a little space she will take it completely the wrong way. I don’t know if i have a communication problem or if it’s her totally smashing any conversation that’s headed that way.

What’s the best way to communicate with her and let her know how she’s making me feel?  I still want to be with her, but I also know that this relationship will continue to go downhill if we do not fix this problem because I’m resenting her more and more every day. 




A.


Dude, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but get out of this relationship. Sure, first, tell her what you need- a relationship where your girlfriend/mommy doesn’t need to give you permission to see your friends. But, I am doubtful that she will hear this.

She sounds like someone who could use some talk therapy. I know I say this a lot when people ask about all these relationship problems, but her boa constrictor grip is a HUGE RED FLAG. Maybe she’s doing that awful trick- making you pay for whatever the guy before you did. It doesn’t even matter why. She’s old enough to know better. And, you are, too. 

One thing you may need to change is the way in which you communicate. You’re a grown ass man. You should be able to clearly state what you feel and what you need. Maybe you don’t do that. Maybe you acquiesce because you’re afraid of being the bad guy or afraid of her reaction, and are then stumped by why you didn’t get what you want. Tell her, “I love you, but I need time with my friends, too.” It is 100% acceptable to want your own life, outside of your relationship. And, in a healthy relationship where trust is present, this should be a no-brainer. 

Good luck, dude. 





Well, I hope you’ve learned something. Remember, I’ve made all the mistakes so you don’t have to. If you have a question for me about love, sex, dating, movies, bunny rabbits, almond butter, or anything else, use the form on the top right of the page or email me- rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

Friday, October 9, 2015

Friday Suggestions: On a Friday That Inexplicably Feels Like a Monday 10.9.15



Dear Dudes and Chicas, Why does this week's end feel like the beginning of a long week for me? You have any answers? Oh well, it is, in fact, Friday and here are my suggestions for you...


















my new favorite podcast (their twitter and instagram are also pretty fun)






to watch (because it's the perfect time of year for the movies that scare us)








Get outside. Then you get to see cool things like this face in a tree. 


**





Also, and in case you missed it, I wrote something this week for Ravishly about avoidance. You can read all about that time I jumped out a second-story window to avoid a conversation






xoxo

Friday, October 2, 2015

Friday Suggestions (Back on a Friday Where They Belong) 10.2.15



Friday suggestions are back where they belong. Have a spooky weekend! xoxo







Because if you're in L.A., you should see this










Because we love dance and Eleanor is dancing again!! 






You should read more and it's a damn good read






Also, and in case you missed it, I wrote something about dating a single parent....







Thursday, October 1, 2015

A Poem For You (Yes, You) Volume 2



Another week, another poem for you. The poem comes from Chanel Brenner's moving, transcendent book, Vanilla Milk, a memoir told in poems. She writes beautifully and honestly about grieving the loss of her son. I had the pleasure of performing with her in a Spark Off Rose show, a couple of years ago. You can hear us both here


What Would Wislawa Szymborska Do? 


Un-burn his flesh, return chips
of bone and teeth, powdery ashes,
like seeds in soil newly sown. 


Reclaim his heart,
kidneys, liver, kindly return
the recipients their own.


Cross a line through words,
He died, reclassify
Arteriovenous Malformation,
a work of fiction. 


Tuck him back in bed
to awaken from dreaming. 


Create something out
of nothing, life from loss
Isn't that what poets do? 




*More on Wislawa Szymborska here.